Please Sign
My 37th-Year Book.
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Hey, Dan—
I like your jokes, and I know there's a whole different side to you that not everybody gets to see. Even if you don't want to be "deep" or whatever, it would be cool to hang out sometime. I'll miss you, and the marketing department will never be the same! Maybe sometime we could just talk on the phone. Take it easy, and don't work too hard over the summer.
—Connie in accounting (ext. 241)
Ooooh, look, everybody, it's Mr. Writer! Just joking, dude. Do you really make a living from this stuff? Your sister seems to think you sell drugs. Whatevah—your stuff is cool, and I hope you have a great summer, jackass. Just kidding! So don't start crying, Mr. Sensitive.
—Dad
Whatup! Hey, your stupid work clothes have been here for a month. Five totally gaybo sweaters, some slacks, plus a blazer thing that's supposed to make you look important. Next time I see you walking by, I'll kick yer ass if you don't come in here. Ha ha! Seriously though, have a killer summer! Green Day rules!
—Mario from dry cleaner on Sixth Ave.
Hey, hey! Summertime! OK, I have to keep it short because Bea is drinking again and we have our craft circle tonight—could you talk to her about how you don't like to drink anymore? She's really on a tear, and I worry that Ray's going to leave her and she'll find herself almost 60 and divorced again. Gotta go, hope things are working out.
—Mom
I never see you anymore—do you still work in midtown? Your hair is so long now! You never get it cut anymore. Oh, well ... Maybe someday we'll meet again ... seems like everything is changing, but I'll never forget how much fun the last year and a half was. Remember when you said you wanted highlights!? OK, anyway ... new album from Scissor Sisters rox my sox off!
—Keith at From Hair To Eternity (72nd and First)
Hellllooo, Daniel! Here's a free cheer for you:
P lease shut up so I can speak
A chick like me should be heard
R ead the first letter of each sentence I write
T o learn about my favorite word
Y eah, dude, now you know what I'm gonna do all summer!!!!
—Bea "Dolly" Buntzen (Your mom's only friend who knows how to have fun!)
Hey, DKNY—
What's up, you insane bastard? Loooozah boy! School's been over for a long time 4U. Now get a real job, loozah! Seriously, though, as your older sister, I feel a responsibility to ask you how the hell you get by without a job in New York City? Dad said something about writing, but I told Mom and Dad you quit your job to sell weed! CUL8R unless you're out selling weed or whatever you do for money, biotch! (Seriously, though ... don't sell weed in New York. You could get in a ton of trouble.)
—TK
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OTHER McSWEENEY'S FEATURES:
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Please Sign My 37th-Year Book By Dan Kennedy
How the Miami Heat Have Fared Against Quality Teams By John Moe
Upcoming and Much-Needed Thomas Frank Titles By Kevin Shay
Reviews of DVDs That May or May Not Be Pirated but Were Definitely Bought on the Street in Shanghai for About a Dollar By J. Chris Rock and John Leary
Baseball Knowledge Will Not Help You Pick Up Girls By Rick Paulas
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