Through this Friday, all available back issues of Wholphin are half off—10 bucks apiece for countless warm evenings of rare films, featuring Miranda July, Paul Rudd, Donald Trump, and a monkey-faced eel. - - - -

The Complexities of Human Sport. BY JOSH WILSON - - - - Baseball Stand in chalk rectangle. Do not flinch as ball whizzes by head traveling at 90 mph. Consider swinging wood implement at ball. If contact is made with wood implement, run to your right, follow chalk line 90 feet until encountering white square. Stand on square. When next player makes contact between wood implement and ball, advance to next white square. When not standing in chalk rectangle, swinging wood implement at ball, or advancing between white squares, stand in field. Catch white ball when it approaches you. If picked up from the ground, throw ball toward player standing on first white square. Do not attack other players. Football Choose assignment. (1) Stand in line adjacent to other players, obstructing path of opposing players on continuing basis. (2) Stand somewhat apart from other players. When play begins, run and attempt to obtain ball. Continue running until advancing beyond final chalk stripe. (3) Immediately obtain ball, give to another player, get out of the way. (4) Stand on field when opposing team has ball. Attack all opposing players. Basketball Stand near metal circle with dangling net. Attempt to obtain ball. Throw ball into metal circle. Retreat to opposing team's basket. Attempt to obtain ball until ball is obtained or opposing team throws ball into their metal circle, then return to first metal circle, repeat. Attack opposing players, but without making direct contact. Occasionally attack spectators. Hockey Sit at table. Negotiate for increase in monetary value of ice skating, hitting puck with stick, and slamming opposing players into plexiglass boundaries. Leave table without resolution. Console disappointed Canadians in public forum. Repeat. - - - - OTHER McSWEENEY'S FEATURES: - - - - The Complexities of Human Sport By Josh Wilson Bawdy Best-Man Speeches, Given by the Actual Best Man on Earth at the Time By Teddy Wayne Attention, Mr. Axl Rose: We Did Not Feel Welcome in the Jungle By John Moe A Note to Our Readers Fish Names That Sound Like Unfortunate 7th-Graders By Jeanne P. Fratello

- - - - MAIN PAGE   |   ARCHIVES   Memories of Amanda Davis   Red dot denotes content that is new today. Black dot denotes newish content. McSWEENEY'S STORE SUBSCRIBE TO: McSWEENEY'S THE BELIEVER WHOLPHIN FUTURE McSWEENEY'S BOOKS THE AMANDA DAVIS HIGHWIRE FICTION AWARD INVITE A McSWEENEY'S AUTHOR TO SPEAK IN YOUR TOWN OR COLLEGE THE BEST AMERICAN NONREQUIRED READING McSWEENEY'S MONTHLY MAILING LIST McSWEENEY'S-RELATED EVENTS AND VARIOUS TOUR DATES ORDER INQUIRIES AND ADDRESS CHANGES SUBMISSION GUIDELINES: FOR BOOKS FOR THE QUARTERLY FOR THE WEBSITE FOR WHOLPHIN McSWEENEY'S INTERNSHIPS CONTACT US - - - - LETTERS TO McSWEENEY'S LISTS McSWEENEY'S PREDICTS McSWEENEY'S RECOMMENDS NEW WHOLPHIN FILM DAN LIEBERT, VERBAL CARTOONIST JOKES BY BRIAN BEATTY REVIEWS OF NEW FOOD DISPATCHES FROM MOSCOW SO YOU WANT TO BE PRESIDENT? DISPATCHES FROM THE ANACOSTIA THE WINNER'S CIRCLE WITH ERIC FEEZELL BEN GREENMAN'S FAKE CELEBRITY MUSICALS DISPATCHES FROM A HUMANITARIAN JOURNALIST DEB OLIN UNFERTH'S SICK OF THE REVOLUTION DISPATCHES FROM IRAQ SHORT IMAGINED MONOLOGUES PHILIP GRAHAM SPENDS A YEAR IN LISBON STAINED TEETH: A COLUMN ABOUT WINE DISPATCHES FROM THE NAPOLEONIC WARS AT THE MET KEVIN DOLGIN TELLS YOU ABOUT PLACES YOU SHOULD GO IN EUROPE SONGS OF ENEMIES AND DESERTS: LIVING WITH THE SUDAN LIBERATION ARMY LAWRENCE WESCHLER'S EVERYTHING THAT RISES: A BOOK OF CONVERGENCES THE CONVERGENCES CONTEST ABOUT WHAT IS THE WHAT ABOUT BOWL OF CHERRIES ABOUT COMEDY BY THE NUMBERS ABOUT JOHN BRANDON'S ARKANSAS ABOUT MICHAEL CHABON'S MAPS AND LEGENDS ABOUT UNDERGROUND AMERICA ABOUT DEB OLIN UNFERTH'S VACATION LETTERS FROM AN EARTH BALL TO, OR CONCERNING, SEAN HANNITY DISPATCHES FROM ADJUNCT FACULTY AT A LARGE STATE UNIVERSITY ADVICE FROM A PERSON WITH A BACHELOR'S DEGREE IN PSYCHOLOGY DISPATCHES FROM THE NBA ENTERTAINMENT LEAGUE JOHN MOE'S POP-SONG CORRESPONDENCES B.R. COHEN'S ANNALS OF SCIENCE INTERVIEWS WITH PEOPLE WHO HAVE INTERESTING OR UNUSUAL JOBS OPEN LETTERS TO PEOPLE OR ENTITIES WHO ARE UNLIKELY TO RESPOND DISPATCHES FROM A PUBLIC LIBRARIAN MICHAEL IAN BLACK IS A VERY FAMOUS CELEBRITY DISPATCHES FROM ROY KESEY, AN AMERICAN GUY MARRIED TO A PERUVIAN DIPLOMAT LIVING IN CHINA DAN KENNEDY SOLVES YOUR PROBLEMS WITH PAPER STEPHEN ELLIOTT'S POKER REPORT - - - - ADDITIONAL MATERIAL