The Complexities
of Human Sport.
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Baseball
Stand in chalk rectangle. Do not flinch as ball whizzes by head traveling at 90 mph. Consider swinging wood implement at ball. If contact is made with wood implement, run to your right, follow chalk line 90 feet until encountering white square. Stand on square. When next player makes contact between wood implement and ball, advance to next white square. When not standing in chalk rectangle, swinging wood implement at ball, or advancing between white squares, stand in field. Catch white ball when it approaches
you. If picked up from the ground, throw ball toward player standing on first white square. Do not attack other players.
Football
Choose assignment. (1) Stand in line adjacent to other players, obstructing path of opposing players on continuing basis. (2) Stand somewhat apart from other players. When play begins, run and attempt to obtain ball. Continue running until advancing beyond final chalk stripe. (3) Immediately obtain ball, give to another player, get out of the way. (4) Stand on field when opposing team has ball. Attack all opposing players.
Basketball
Stand near metal circle with dangling net. Attempt to obtain ball. Throw ball into metal circle. Retreat to opposing team's basket. Attempt to obtain ball until ball is obtained or opposing team throws ball into their metal circle, then return to first metal circle, repeat. Attack opposing players, but without making direct contact. Occasionally attack spectators.
Hockey
Sit at table. Negotiate for increase in monetary value of ice skating, hitting puck with stick, and slamming opposing players into plexiglass boundaries. Leave table without resolution. Console disappointed Canadians in public forum. Repeat.
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OTHER McSWEENEY'S FEATURES:
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The Complexities of Human Sport By Josh Wilson
Bawdy Best-Man Speeches, Given by the Actual Best Man on Earth at the Time By Teddy Wayne
Attention, Mr. Axl Rose: We Did Not Feel Welcome in the Jungle By John Moe
A Note to Our Readers
Fish Names That Sound Like Unfortunate 7th-Graders By Jeanne P. Fratello
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