Health Watch:
Four Silent Killers.
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Carbon Monoxide
It is the invisible, odorless chemical responsible for approximately 80,000 cases of poisoning a year. Despite the seriousness of the threat, easy-to-install carbon monoxide detectors can provide peace of mind.
The B-2 Stealth Bomber
Packing 40,000 pounds of bombs and an extensive array of countermeasures, the B-2 should be a concern for the contemporary health nut. Although the major technological advances were developed to sneak past radar systems, the B-2 is equipped with sophisticated control systems that minimize any noise generated by the engine and exhaust systems. Just because you don't hear anything doesn't mean you're safe.
Due to the potential for panic generated by the Stealth bomber, many states have already outlawed standing in public places, pointing (to nothing), and saying, "Look, a Stealth bomber." The fact is, we all have to live with a constant awareness that a B-2 may or may not be somewhere overhead. Causing panic will not help any of us.
If you care about your own welfare, most experts recommend getting your own
B-2 bomber.
Reification
Whether you work as a bouncer or a librarian, you probably weren't even aware that you're participating in a process that will bring about your demise. Despite the failure of Marx's predictions, his basic diagnosis of the worker's condition is correct—and claiming as many lives as ever. The early symptoms of reification include a sense of fatigue, digestive problems, and extreme mood swings. The worker who has a career of 50 to 60 years will find the disease to be almost certainly fatal.
Specialists recommend group therapy known as Revolution. Alternatively, shouting slogans and passing out leaflets are reported to slow some of the symptoms, but have not to date cured the disease.
Ninjas
Tragically, the deadliest silent killer in America is one you can do precious little about. The ninja is trained from childhood, after the elders have determined the potential candidate possesses outstanding physical gifts.
Testing for sufficient physical rigor involves trials such as the nonstop 50-mile run. In order to keep a sufficient pace, the ninja applicant is to run at a speed sufficient to keep a mat from slipping off his chest.
Once the strongest applicants are selected, usually by the age of 4, they are given 15 years of intense physical, mental, and spiritual training.
Now when we say silent, we mean silent. Training for the ninja involves mastering such skills as walking on twigs without breaking a single one and moving in on an opponent while carrying an armful of bells. Even if you are always looking over your shoulder, which is advised, the mature ninja will be able to catch you off-guard.
What can you do to stay proactive? Experts have three recommendations, each of which is accompanied by the standard ninja-precaution caveat: It probably won't work.
First, hire a decoy. A good decoy will make your daily existence safer by performing activities such as taking the direct route to your workplace while you take a new, secretive route each day. If you are unable to afford a decoy, a mannequin designed to resemble you will do in a pinch, at least for things like "sleeping" in bed while you hide in the closet. But what, exactly, are you saving your money for?
Second, move. The ninjas know where you live. You may buy some time if you move out of town, as in yesterday.
Third, run! It is too late. The decoy resembles you no more. The ninjas have found where you live. Perhaps you could set a place mat on your chest and run so fast that it doesn't move an inch because of your bullet-train-grade velocity. There is a slight possibility that your ninja isn't going to be able to keep up, once you pass the 50-mile point. Good luck with that.
Already on the run? Excellent. Stay healthy.
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OTHER McSWEENEY'S FEATURES:
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