Short Imagined
Monologues.
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THAK,
THE MOST ORGANIZED
MEMBER OF THE PARTY
OF ROUGHLY 70 PEOPLE
WHO ORIGINALLY SETTLED
NORTH AMERICA.
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OK, I know it's difficult to plan for a trip like this. Everyone's running around like a reindeer with its head cut off.
But we had a whole lunar cycle to coordinate. I know nobody wants to stand around outside on the tundra making small talk only to find your lips and eyeballs have frozen solid, but ... "What are you bringing to eat on the way there? Oh, really? I was going to bring a small handful of rabbit organs, too! Maybe one of us should bring something
different!" You know, a little gossip never killed anybody. I suppose it killed Gorf. More accurately, a sharp rock thrown by Ooni's husband killed Gorf. But I digress.
Let's just make sure I'm not overreacting. Going down the line, what did we bring? Half a squirrel. Piece of bark. Recently stomped baby bird. Handful of seeds. Handful of poisonous berries. Nice gathering there, Peela.
I see appetizers. I see desserts. What I don't see is a single hunk of fish, deer, bison, or even the desiccated flesh of a hated enemy. I don't know about you people, but trekking dozens of miles across a narrow strait into an unknown land makes me more than a little edgy. And when I'm nervous, I get hungry. And when I'm hungry, I like to eat
something a little more substantial than squirrel ass!
Someone's just handed me a moose bladder full of a primitive, foul-smelling root liquor. I'll be totally honest: this will do.
Pass the seeds.
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OTHER McSWEENEY'S FEATURES:
- - - -
Thak, the Most Organized Member of the Party of Roughly 70 People Who Originally Settled North America By Richard D. Allen
Health Watch: Four Silent Killers By Justin Kahn
Honeybee Waggle Dance Reviews By Jim Stallard
Dear Miss Lonelyhearts By Wendy Molyneux
An Open Letter to the Human Resources Department of the Superfriends By David Ng
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