How to Beat Off Invaders From Space; or, What to Do When the Aliens Come.BY DAVE JOHNSTON- - - - Let me begin by telling you that I forgive you. Sure, I am a little bitter, but that is only because I am writing this while still alive. But I do realize that you didn't kill me, the aliens did, due to the fact that I was the only person on this planet who had their head on a swivel alienwise. Sure, you contributed to my death by not listening to me about turning our Laser Floyd technology into an anti-alien super weapon, but I'm dead, so just forget I mentioned it. But enough about me and my tragically early you-caused death; let's talk about what you're going to do about the aliens who have arrived on your, formerly my, planet. First, you have to forget the idea that aliens are all that. They are neither that nor a bag a chips. Who built the pyramids? Heavily beaten slaves. What is going on in the Bermuda Triangle? Homicidal whales. The probing? Do you really think that the only diagnostic tool available to beings that have traveled across the galaxy must be inserted anally? Please. What you do have to worry about is that aliens are smart, much smarter than you. There are dumb aliens, but they, like you, are stuck on their home planets. The ones you have to worry about are the ones that showed up on your, formerly our, planet. Because, believe me, they didn't show up just to say whatup. They want things. What kind of things, I don't know. I would assume brains. It would have been nice if the aliens were friendly. But that's not going to happen. They want something. And it's in your interest to make sure they don't get it. How? Going for it! Don't forget a ragtag group of rural high-school kids who beat back the Soviet war machine. Sure, Red Dawn was a movie, but when the aliens come it will be a super-inspiring movie. Earth has never been a planet of quitters. Sure, the majority of you are quitters, but don't forget that small percentage of zealots and idiots. They might have some things to say to those aliens. Probably crazy things. Anyway, remember that if science has proven anything it's that all corporeal beings are subject to one of four forces. Those forces are a metal softball bat, a pitchfork, a bucket of boiling water, and a Frisbee with razorblades taped to the edges. So, again, I beseech you to turn it up a notch. Heck, turn it up two notches. What if you lose? Well, I hope it doesn't come as a surprise that you are going to lose, and lose badly. Why fight? If nothing else, it would answer the question "What if we had fought back against the aliens?" Plus, you could avenge my untimely death. When you're rolled up in the fetal position, just know that not all is lost. Even if all is currently on fire. What I'm trying to tell you is that every bathtub has its scum, and the same goes for galaxies. After getting beat down by the aliens, Earth would be in the perfect position to become a—if not "the"—planet of interplanetary lowlifes. A wonderfully diverse intergalactic melting pot of smugglers, pirates, chronic masturbators, and stowaways. Because you know who will be laughing when you beat the aliens at three-card space monte? You. Just make sure you do it quietly. And while you're conning aliens out of their hard-earned alien pension funds, you might start wondering who really won. Obviously, that would still be the aliens. - - - - OTHER McSWEENEY'S FEATURES: - - - - How to Beat Off Invaders From Space; or, What to Do When the Aliens Come By Dave JohnstonThese Are Lists, What of It? The Seduction of the World's Wildest Beasts: A How-To By Megan Thoma Courageous Blast: The Legacy of America's Most Radical Gum By Jack Pendarvis Thak, the Most Organized Member of the Party of Roughly 70 People Who Originally Settled North America By Richard D. Allen |
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