BAWDY
BEST-MAN SPEECHES,
GIVEN BY THE ACTUAL BEST MAN ON EARTH
AT THE TIME.
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Martin Luther King Jr.
BIRMINGHAM, ALABAMA, 1962
I have a dream that one day ... Bill Stanley will actually commit to a woman! Joking, joking. I've known Bill for 20 years through the NAACP, and he's been fully dedicated to equality for all people, colored or white, rich or poor, female or female! I remember the day Bill met Kathleen he said, "Marty, I think I may have found 'the one.'" I said, "You mean the one for Tuesday?" Seriously, though, when he told me he'd gotten a taste for white sugar, I said, "Judge her not by the color of her skin but by its suppleness and ability to withstand wrinkling." And, Bill, don't neglect the content of her bank account! Now, raise your glasses so they can be seen from every mountaintop, and let freedom ring—'cause we all know that the ring Bill just slipped on means anything but freedom!
Mohandas Gandhi
NEW DELHI, INDIA, 1935
Let us all thank the Vajpayees for the beautiful banquet they have assembled. It is a shame all this food will go to waste because of our hunger strike, but it is even more shameful that the British empire has continued its inhumane colonialism. Just kidding,
it's a wedding, go to town—the vegetable biryani is especially delectable. So, let's talk about Paresh and what he's been hiding under his turban! Uh-oh, Paresh is turning red! Oh, that's from the vindaloo. Someone fetch this man a mango lassi! When I found
out Paresh's marriage to Mausumi was being arranged, I said to Paresh, "This is either fortunate or unfortunate news. 'Mausumi' can mean 'beauty,' in which case I am happy for you, my friend, or, of course, it can denote 'monsoon wind,' which portends ominously, as her innocent beauty now may later turn into passive-aggressive resistance." Wise Paresh replied, "My dear Mohandas, you are a hookah-is-half-empty kind of guy. Mausumi is indeed a beauty—but she is also a veritable monsoon wind between the sheets!" Whoops—sorry, Paresh! I hope this news does not upset the Vajpayees! What? The wedding is now called off and the dowry is to be returned? Man ... Par, ricksha fare home is on me.
Jesus Christ
SAMARIA, A.D. 24
Hello, my people! Looking around tonight, I see a lot of guests very close to Luke—and a lot of bridesmaids I wish I was very close to! C'mon, guys, it's a joke—but, off the record, I'm staying in a manger just outside the village, third stall from the left. When my best friend told me he was marrying my ex, I had two reactions. First, I was happy Luke was finally settling down after years of wandering around and spreading my word—and a few legs in the process! Calm down, calm down. Second, the poor sap has no idea what he's getting into! OK, so I knew Mary was a bit clingy, but I could never really forgive her for her, ahem, past sins. Still, if anyone can handle Mags, it's Luke—he's a better man than I. Well, that's not true, but he's a pretty good guy. So I said to him, "You may have my blessings—and my earplugs, 'cause she's a talker!" I ask you all to hoist your goblets of water—I'll turn them into wine in a sec—and drink to the beautiful couple. I give them six months.
Gur
SOMEWHERE IN SOUTHEASTERN EUROPE, 4000 B.C.E.
Hunters-gatherers, Gur friend Rok for many moon. When Gur hear of Rok-Lap, Gur confused. Gur know Rok fearful of commitment, want spend more time in many
caves with other gatherers—now in one cave with one gatherer? But Lap good gatherer, know food-place, wide hip for make child. Gur-Lap make child many moon
past. Gur make laughter, Gur make laughter! For not-laughter, Rok good hunter, always give Gur meat when Gur hungry, share gatherers with Gur when Gur alone in cave by Gur-self. Gur remember Rok-Gur-Pip in Cave By Field. Rok-Gur-Pip good time. Gur see Pip here this moon. Gur-Pip later in Cave By River? Gur make laughter again! Unless Pip want. Hunters-gatherers, put hand in bowl, drink river for Rok-Lap. Gur sad it Rok-Lap. Gur secretly want it Rok-Gur. Bad—Gur make mistake, say silent words meant for Gur-self out loud. Uh ... Gur make laughter?
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OTHER McSWEENEY'S FEATURES:
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A Note to Our Readers
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B.R. Cohen's Annals of Science, Volume VIII By B.R. Cohen
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