INTERNATIONAL
PAMPHLETS FOR
TOURISTS:
GREAT MOMENTS
IN AZERI BASEBALL.
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Hello Tourer! While in Azerbaijan enjoy some of its sport. We learn of baseball in 1991, upon death of Soviet Unions. Now, we have proud tradition of baseball soldiers! Their story to be told around fire, in traditional style of nine hour long Azerbaijani throat singing. You should hear! But you cannot, it is forbidden for foreigners. Do you have the jealousies? It is OK, allow the Tourer Board of Azerbaijan Pamphleteering Squadron to instruct you on stories of our new love of a baseball. New love, yes!
(1) While in Azerbaijan looking for baseballings, please to visit the arena of the Naxcivan Warriors. Do not fear attacks of treacherous Armenia, they are weak and to be laughed upon! You may laugh too: now! The Government of Azerbaijan will protect your lifeflow while you witness a match of this army-team. Enjoy to watch the team pound upon orbs with their long timbers, and to wallop the homes runnings!
(2) The great rivalry war is to be seen between Mingacevir Warriors and Sumqayit Warriors. The army-teams of Mingacevir and Sumqayit are stained with each's blood.
On one famous day, the Sumqayit nine vanquished Mingacevir mightily. They considered to kill the Mingacevir managingman, and to toss his naked body in Caspian to shame that city. This would to be with the humors, yes? But no, they decide no for the sportingmenships. So, the Sumqayit take the wives of the Mingacevir and make the love to them in much gusto instead. These wives now love the army-team of Sumqayit, and will make much love with them with frequents. They laugh at their husbands, and laugh at their mousseles! The Mingacevir have been shamed. Now, they must wait until the moon signals another season, and perhaps they will wash the earth and skies with entrails
of Sumqayit!
How jealous is capital Baku not to be in this rival war! No, they have the rival of the pathetic Xacmaz Warriors, who are to be the "Bad Times Bear" of Azerbaijan sporting! We laugh at their errorings! But you may not laugh, it is forbidden for foreigners.
(3) Xankandi is not infamous for its lumber sticks. Though it emerges victorious from many wars of basesballs! Why? It is because they heave the balls with much success. They launch pitchings so powerfully, the lumber sticks of the mighty Ali Bayrami Warriors are silenced, and to silence those wood planks is an unknowned crime! How ashamed are the Ali Bayrami, who are proud of their mousseles and their homes runnings! Their wives are made love to with vigors by Xankandi Warriors on many a night.
(4) The Azerbaijani Ministry of this sport has joy in its heart. It praises Allah nightly, for to be delivered Americanne star-moon of baseballs, Kevins Millar. An epic throat song will be sung! He will now swat orbs, and grasp at orbs when not swatting, for the Astara Warriors. Though he will not begin in each night's war, the managingman says he is with enough talent to join into the war in the ending innings of a great humiliation for the duty of a "mops up." The Astara Warriors were joyous for how inexpensive! They only send to the Boston one used Jammar Karyagdioglu Ensemble CD for this. But we must allow Dick Cheney oil pipeline to be sent Reggie Jackson instructional hitting video. We will learn from you soon, "Mr. Oktorb"!
Please to not forget to eat the American popses corn when at a baseball war! It has "twist" of Azerbaijan: it is made soggy in glass of Azeri sour Kvas drink. Please to eat. To not eat shames Azjerbaijan, and gives joy to evil Armenia.
With the Sinceres,
Azerbaijani Ministry of Baseball with pious assistance of Tourer Board of
Azerbaijan Pamphleteering Squadron
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OTHER McSWEENEY'S FEATURES:
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International Pamphlets for Tourists: Great Moments in Azeri Baseball By Andrew Golden
Unhelpful Clues Given by Jan-Michael Vincent During an October 1983 Taping of The New $25,000 Pyramid Where the Category to Be Guessed Was "Things You Do at a Party" By Aaron Starmer
Excerpts From the Diary of an Aspiring Death-Metal Frontman By Jesse Singal
Re: Hardy Boys Manuscript Submission By Jay Dyckman
An At First Semi-Scientific but Then Increasingly Fanboy Attempt to Identify Which Visible High-Gravity Star Cluster Is the Star Wars Galaxy By Robert Isenberg
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