Disney
Extreme Vacations.
BY VINCE LICATA
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Disney Dream Vacations and Disney Immunity-Challenge Cruises have always been the first and last word in vacation imagination. But now, if you've been looking for the perfect extreme vacation experience, look no further. Why risk life and limb with some unknown fly-by-night operation? For your extreme adventure vacation, go with a name you've always trusted for leisure and entertainment: Go Disney!
Chiapas Experience
Enjoy a fortnight in central Mexico hiding in caves with the Zapatista revolutionaries, sleeping on a bed of dirt with your gun for a pillow, and freezing in the high altitudes of the beautiful Chiapas countryside. Drink tequila till you are blind with love and rage, and dine on the crispy fire-charred bodies of small unidentifiable mammals. Enjoy an overnight stay in a Mexican military jail, complete with a friendly interrogation session and expedient deportation. Includes choice of a Cinderella backpack or Bambi beach bag. $1,400 per person.
African Safari
Hang upside down from a juniper tree while coated in chicken blood as part of "Lion Encounters." Sober, clean-shaven sharpshooters have got you covered, just in case Simba gets too playful. Spend your evenings in a malarial haze dining with aplomb on various tubers and roots. Throw back a few dozen East African millet beers, dance a traditional Masai war dance until you can no longer feel the pain in your badly infected feet, then slip into the fuzzy comfort of your complimentary Lion King slippers. $2,200 per person.
Marianas Trench Phenomenon
Imagine: Two peaceful weeks of sensory deprivation during the long, slow descent into the "Challenger Deep." Repeatedly bang your head on the cold, hard steel of a vintage 1970s bathysphere, fully refurbished with a well-stocked minibar, a TV, and user-friendly, self-contained toilet facilities. Spend hours gazing out the 4-inch-diameter window at otherworldly creatures God never meant you to see. Relax with a choice of two free classic Disney DVDs. $2,000 per person.
Australian Adventure
After being dropped from a helicopter into the desolate outback with only a rabbit trap and a couple of bottles of Dasani water, experience the thrill of being kicked awake in the middle of the night by a kangaroo in estrus. Climb the sacred side of Ayers Rock and spend the night in a makeshift aboriginal jail hut. Enjoy a warm, bitter-tasting liquid served in a rusted Foster's can as the tribe decides your punishment for defiling their ancestry. A Mickey Mouse sweatshirt and sunglasses top off this fun-filled package. $1,800 per person.
Orlando Escape
Wander sweating and hungry through undeveloped Disney property after being dumped from a pickup truck in the middle of the night in the backwoods of the Vacation Capital of the World. Dine on fresh squirrel with redneck squatters in their rustic plywood homes deep in the haunting transitional swamp-to-scrub-brush landscape. Kick back with some homemade corn liquor that could dissolve your shoes, listen to barely comprehendible stories long into the night, then sleep like the dead in a hollowed-out cypress. Includes a free one-day pass to the Magic Kingdom. $800 per person.
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OTHER McSWEENEY'S FEATURES:
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Disney Extreme Vacations By Vince LiCata
Anecdotal Leads for News Stories Reporting the End of the World By Hart Seely
Morgan Freeman Buys a Pop-A-Shot Machine By Greg Ruehlmann
International Pamphlets for Tourists: Great Moments in Azeri Baseball By Andrew Golden
Unhelpful Clues Given by Jan-Michael Vincent During an October 1983 Taping of The New $25,000 Pyramid Where the Category to Be Guessed Was "Things You Do at a Party" By Aaron Starmer
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