FIVE PEOPLE
JUST AS DOCTRINAIRE
AND TIRESOME AS
SUPREME COURT JUSTICE ANTONIN SCALIA SPECULATE ON HOW
HE GOT THAT WAY.
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Jewel Gibbons
VEGAN
I only have to look at Antonin Scalia for, like, three seconds to see he has serious dietary issues. I mean, there's his portly build, his pastiness, his schlumpy posture. Everything about the man screams "non-cruelty-free lifestyle." You can't tell me he's not covertly pushing the carnivore/predatory agenda. Beyond that, he's obviously ingesting way too much dairy, because the river of bile he spews can only be the result of abnormal liver function. The biggest thing, though, is, if he were getting enough legumes and whole grains, he'd never have let Bush steal the 2000 election.
House of Pain
PROFESSIONAL WRESTLER
Hear me and hear me good, Scalia, you SNAKE, you high-court LOWLIFE, you black-robed, black-hearted COWARD. For years, your manager and mentor, Ronald Reagan, told you LIES, PACKS of lies, NOTHING BUT LIES. LIES about what America stands for. About what's good for America. About the American people. And those lies are why you think like you do. Which is a problem ... FOR YOU! Because I'm COMING AFTER YOU, you maggoty magistrate. RRRRRRRRR! I'm coming to UNLEASH my rabid fury on your restrictive originalist interpretations of the Constitution. To PILE-DRIVE your musclebound attempts to undermine the separation of church and state into the canvas. To SMACKDOWN your [expletive] opinions on affirmative action with some affirmative ass-kicking action. And something else, Judge Mental Case: Tell your tag-team partner, your STOOGE, Clarence Thomas, he's goin' down, too. OH, YEAAAAAH! Believe me, I'm gonna clock that adjudicating jackass so bad, he's gonna wake up thinkin' he's BLACK.
Dr. Dwayne D. Chakra
POP PSYCHOLOGIST / SPIRITUAL GUIDE / AUTHOR
When I began to reflect on the divine intentions behind Justice Scalia's overly rigid, somewhat imperious nature, I was reminded of a recent encounter I had in Phoenix, Arizona. I'd spoken to a group about surrendering one's Essential Self to the Nine Universal Governing Principles as the sole path to actualizing one's Manifest Spiritual Prosperity and, afterward, a young woman approached me. "What if I've surrendered myself to the Governing Principles and my Prosperity remains unactualized?" she asked. I encouraged her to purchase my seminar-on-DVD Six Affirmative Imperatives for Unlocking the Nine Universal Governing Principles, but I also asked, "Should a stream somehow become dammed with stones, will the fish, if they're not flying fish to start with, soon learn to fly over the obstruction?" You can imagine her response. And the central truth behind this parable, as all who hear it will agree, is precisely what Justice Scalia failed to embrace—or, I suspect, embraced too enthusiastically—at some critical moment between his birth and the present moment, thus putting in place the Empathetic Deficit that fuels his dogmatic manner. For those who'd like to explore this life lesson more deeply, I direct you to my new book, Inner Peace: Like Outer Peace With Skin Wrapped Around It, at bookstores now.
Judge Judy
SYNDICATED-TELEVISION JURIST
Hey! Pay attention! Just keep your mouth shut and listen to what I'm saying here! I've been around a lotta years now, a lotta years, and I've seen bigger, more cocksure, more doctrinaire blowhards than this hotshot Antonin in my courtroom plenty of times. And you know something? I can read hustlers like him like a book. Like! A! BOOK! This Scalia character thinks he's some kind of operator, that he's smarter than me and everybody else, that he's putting something over on everybody. Well, guess what? HE'S NOT! He's just some phony-baloney who learned early on from some other big-talking tough guys—probably some rotten little punks he thought were his friends or maybe his father or his brother or an uncle, who knows, it doesn't matter—he learned that if he acted tough, if he was mean, and outraged, and refused to back down, other people would get out of his way, they'd give up, he'd prevail. Well, I've got news for him: HE'S WRONG! I've got his number. And I want him out of my courtroom, out of AMERICA'S courtroom, NOW!
Kim Jong Il
TOTALITARIAN MADMAN
The snarling mongrel Antonin Scalia is one more deplorable product of Western imperialism. Like all warmongering American oppressors, he is a vicious devil conspiring to invade North Korea, subjugate its people, and feed us to the valiant tropical fish held against their will in the giant boardroom aquariums of decadent, bloodthirsty capitalist pigs. It is because Scalia was brainwashed by reactionaries and propagandists that he possesses the morals of a cockroach, the tolerance of a cobra, the humanity of a stone, and the flaccid man-organ of the yellow dog Bob Dole when he has run out of his erection tablets.
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OTHER McSWEENEY'S FEATURES:
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Five People Just as Doctrinaire and Tiresome as Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia Speculate on How He Got That Way By Bob Woodiwiss
The Internal Monologue of a Progressive-Rock Fan Choosing His Wedding Song By Wayne Gladstone and G. Xavier Robillard
Spy vs. Spy: The Unused Treatments By Seth Reiss
Things You Can Learn About the Plot of the Next Harry Potter Book Just by Looking at the Cover Art By Matthew A. Cohen
How to Beat Off Invaders From Space; or, What to Do When the Aliens Come By Dave Johnston
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