World-Historical Cheneys.BY BENJAMIN COHEN- - - - "I think they're in the last throes, if you will, - - - - Japanese Cheney-San "People, uh, listen, people. I think the dignity-hating radioactive menace raining down and through us is in the last throes, if you will, of obliterating us." Passenger-Pigeon Cheney "Seriously, Britt, these flight-hating humans are done, we've beaten them back, it's over, adios, sayonara, things are on the up and up from here on out, away from the fashionable hats and back to blackening the sky with our masses." Aztec Cheney "Stick a fork in 'em, Larry. With Quetzalcoatl and our freedom-loving cannibalism behind us, I can tell you that, errrr, Cortés is in the last throes of this meek genocide." Roman Theodosius Cheney "Laughable, Hannityus, laughable. Goths, shmoths, these insurgents. They es in suum permaneo per." The Last Oreos in the Bag Cheney "That pathetic kid, I see his face, and I'm looking at our double-stuffed intelligence, and I can say those teeth are in their last throes ... everything's gonna be fine. That big glass of 2 percent Grade A will be the dunking of victory!" The Cheney X7G-iiC "Larry, I'm sitting here—well, bolted here, heh heh—and the way we're looking at this, the swarming billions upon billions of freedom-hating Seyfert II-galaxy M77 insurgents are in their last throes. From here in my escape pod, I can see that this moment of total apocalyptic horror is just about past. These are aliens who disagree with our policies, our ways of programming. You'll always have the naysayers. It's us or them, Larry - - - - OTHER McSWEENEY'S FEATURES: - - - - World-Historical Cheneys By Benjamin CohenFive People Just as Doctrinaire and Tiresome as Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia Speculate on How He Got That Way By Bob Woodiwiss The Internal Monologue of a Progressive-Rock Fan Choosing His Wedding Song By Wayne Gladstone and G. Xavier Robillard Spy vs. Spy: The Unused Treatments By Seth Reiss Things You Can Learn About the Plot of the Next Harry Potter Book Just by Looking at the Cover Art By Matthew A. Cohen |
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