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Now available for preorder:
The San Francisco Panorama.

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Short Imagined Monologues. - - - - TRENT, FROM SWINGERS, PERFORMS AN EXORCISM. BY ADAM J. SILVER - - - - Baby, this is money. I'm swaying my big bear claws and dousing my magic demon potion on a brutal-looking baby who likes to party. She's just like this green goblin, and I've got her tied to the bedposts. I'm looking at my pagan potion and I'm thinking to myself, "How do I kill this goblin?" Her head is doing twirlie-whirlies and she's smiling at how money I am. You know it's not so much me as it is the priestly garb I'm wearing. She's a freaky baby that is digging the outfit. I'm performing an exorcism in Georgetown, so guys like me gotta kick it old-school. And if that means I gotta wear all black with a touch of white, then so be it. Fuck me, you say? Ahh-hahaha-ha-ha, you're right you want to fuck me, baby. Oh, you wanna play devil-worshipper games? We can play devil-worshipper games. I can be Damien. Look at this face. OK, this is your little mischievous, trouble-making Damien. Watch me pout. See this face? It's hurt, but it's not really hurt. It's thinking devious thoughts. It's thinking about deviant things to do to your filthy potty mouth. My mother is a cocksucker ass-eating whore? I don't think you're qualified to be making those kind of observations, darling. No, I don't think you are. But here, take some more evil-cleansing potion, baby. I'm doing my thing with the thing and whoa ... some kind of crazy devil-baby force pushes me through a window and I'm tumbling down this steep slope of steps. OK, fine, I'm the asshole? Yeah? I would never party with a demon child anyway. I'm out. - - - - OTHER McSWEENEY'S FEATURES: - - - - Trent, From Swingers, Performs an Exorcism By Adam J. Silver Last Will and Testament of Patrick W. Dunkler, Conspiracy Theorist By Christopher Hynes Trying to Translate What My Girlfriend Is Saying in Swedish While She's on the Phone to Her Mother By Dan Kennedy Your New Personal Trainer By Jason Roeder Your Children Are Destroying the Neighborhood By Elizabeth Urello

- - - - MAIN PAGE | ARCHIVES Memories of Amanda Davis Red dot denotes content that is new today. Black dot denotes newish content. McSWEENEY'S STORE SUBSCRIBE TO: McSWEENEY'S THE BELIEVER WHOLPHIN FUTURE McSWEENEY'S BOOKS THE AMANDA DAVIS HIGHWIRE FICTION AWARD INVITE A McSWEENEY'S AUTHOR TO SPEAK IN YOUR TOWN OR COLLEGE THE BEST AMERICAN NONREQUIRED READING McSWEENEY'S MONTHLY MAILING LIST BOOKSTORES WITH A McSWEENEY'S DISPLAY McSWEENEY'S-RELATED EVENTS AND VARIOUS TOUR DATES ORDER INQUIRIES AND ADDRESS CHANGES SUBMISSION GUIDELINES: FOR BOOKS FOR THE QUARTERLY FOR THE WEBSITE FOR WHOLPHIN McSWEENEY'S INTERNSHIPS CONTACT US - - - - LETTERS TO McSWEENEY'S LISTS McSWEENEY'S RECOMMENDS REVIEWS OF NEW FOOD NEW WHOLPHIN FILM DAN LIEBERT, VERBAL CARTOONIST TEDDY WAYNE'S UNPOPULAR PROVERBS NON-ESSENTIAL MNEMONICS BITCHSLAP: A COLUMN ABOUT WOMEN AND FIGHTING DISPATCHES FROM A GUY TRYING UNSUCCESSFULLY TO SELL A SONG IN NASHVILLE GLOBAL WAR ON BEDBUGS: LETTERS FROM BEDBUG CITY THE CONFLICTED EXISTENCE OF A FEMALE PORN WRITER OH MY GAWD: A COLUMN ABOUT A TEENAGER NAVIGATING RELIGION DISPATCHES FROM MANILA DISPATCHES FROM AN INDIAN CASINO THE CONVERGENCES CONTEST CHRIS WHITE ANSWERS PROFOUND QUESTIONS ABOUT THE PRESIDENTS REPORTS FROM THE PINBALL SCENE LETTERS FROM THE HELLBOX NOTES FROM AN AMATEUR SPECTATOR AT AMATEUR MIXED MARTIAL ARTS FIGHTS B.R. COHEN'S DAYS AT THE MUSEUM CONVERSATIONS AT A WARTIME CAFÉ AND HERE'S THE KICKER: MIKE SACKS'S CONVERSATIONS WITH HUMOR WRITERS GRANT MUNROE'S CORPORATE FOLKTALES SARAH WALKER SHOWS YOU HOW DISPATCHES FROM AN ENVIRONMENTAL LAWYER WHO IS TRYING TO GROW A MUSTACHE DISPATCHES FROM A HANGDOG BANKRUPT DISPATCHES FROM THE CAPITAL DISPATCHES FROM INDIA THE WINNER'S CIRCLE WITH ERIC FEEZELL SEAN MICHAELS LISTENS TO MUSIC IN MONTREAL SHORT IMAGINED MONOLOGUES KIDS' LETTERS TO PRESIDENT OBAMA STAINED TEETH: A COLUMN ABOUT WINE YOUR MONEY, YOUR JOB ... YOUR LIFE, WITH ALISON ROSEN KEVIN DOLGIN TELLS YOU ABOUT PLACES YOU SHOULD GO IN EUROPE ABOUT THE WILD THINGS ABOUT THE CONVALESCENT ABOUT FEVER CHART ABOUT GOD SAYS NO ABOUT ZEITOUN LETTERS FROM AN EARTH BALL TO, OR CONCERNING, SEAN HANNITY E-MAILS SENT TO THE UNIVERSITY OF ALABAMA ENGLISH DEPARTMENT FLAG-FOOTBALL TEAM TRAVELING EUROPE IN STYLE WITH AUCKLAND DINGIROO, DARK-AGE TOURIST AND CRITIC OF FOOD AND DRINK JOHN MOE'S POP-SONG CORRESPONDENCES INTERVIEWS WITH PEOPLE WHO HAVE INTERESTING OR UNUSUAL JOBS FLIP: A COLUMN ABOUT SKATEBOARDING OPEN LETTERS TO PEOPLE OR ENTITIES WHO ARE UNLIKELY TO RESPOND DISPATCHES FROM A PUBLIC LIBRARIAN MICHAEL IAN BLACK IS A VERY FAMOUS CELEBRITY DAN KENNEDY SOLVES YOUR PROBLEMS WITH PAPER STEPHEN ELLIOTT'S POKER REPORT - - - - ADDITIONAL MATERIAL