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Now available for preorder:
The San Francisco Panorama.
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Richard Salvatore: Future Extreme Accountant Endorsed by Gatorade.BY JULIA HASLAUER- - - - As I neared the summit of Mount Everest, I let out a heavy sigh. The air up there was thin, and it whistled through my lungs. "Whatever," I thought. This mountain was such a waste of space. I was truly unimpressed by its size—a real view obstructer. My name is Richard Salvatore. I'm an extreme climber and Everest is just one of 132 other massive piles of dirt that I've mounted. My wife was number 86. I am 34 years old and the call to ascend behemoths has faded. Now my legs just carry me up and down as though I'm walking on a sidewalk in Manhattan. Nature is boring. Animals are ugly. I really just want to be an accountant. I'd rather sit on my butt all day. Let the muscles turn to fat instead of rocks that become uncomfortable in hard chairs. Alberta, my wife, doesn't want me to crunch numbers all day. Company sponsors have endorsed my climbs for millions of dollars. I don't think the demand for extreme accountants is as high. Maybe I can get a Gatorade cooler in the office. You know, so at lunch we could all gather around and muster up some endorphins and testosterone by smashing Dixie cups against our skulls. Hardcore. I'd get a television spot to run as well. It would open with a wide shot of the cubicles lined up in the office. Queen's song "We Will Rock You" would start to play. Then it would cut to a shot of a glide camera going by all the individual cubicles with the employees working hard at their desks. They'd have growing splotches of red, blue, and yellow under their arms and across their chests. As soon as Freddie Mercury began to sing, it would cut to a shot of me, typing furiously at my keyboard. Zooming in tight on my face, the camera would capture little droplets of purple liquid falling from my chin. "GATORADE! THUNDER ICE! DRINK IT AND DEVOUR YOUR SPREADSHEET ANALYSES!!!" would boom over the Queen. You know, the classic commercial voice. I think it would make millions. A yawn escaped my lips as I gazed out at the vastness atop the summit. Thailand was ugly and green. Everything else was either white from snow or brown from sand. Whoever said that this view was beautiful must have been high on low oxygen levels. Honestly, Thailand is nothing to brag about. I was robbed by an irate monk there, so I think I have every right to harbor bitter feelings. Just because I snuck a bite of rice didn't mean he had to steal my canteen of water spiked with vodka (for sustenance). I had gone a week on just a bag of sunflower seeds. How was I supposed to communicate my hunger to anyone this far east, let alone a monk? Besides, don't they grow rice in those miles and miles of fields that could be used for something more productive ... like a city? Alberta used to have this bumper sticker (until I scraped it off with my car key, blaming it on some crazy conservatives) that said "Free Tibet." Who would ever want to let that country free? Like Thailand, it wastes all its land growing wheat and rice and other useless crops. I'm not sure, but I think they're socialist, too. No wonder those people wear cotton instead of the lighter, more breathable Gore-Tex. They help each other instead of betraying their neighbors in the name of earning a dollar. Of course, they wouldn't have anything to buy even if they did have some extra cash. It's a vicious cycle, one that can never be reversed ... free or not. I swear, all countries east of ... say ... England should be evicted from Earth. We can send them to the moon, where they can overpopulate, eat their rice, and exterminate their Jews in peace. That way, the rest of us more-civilized folk can do something useful with the rest of the land. I will be the first to propose that we flatten all mountains like Everest and build a mega-city with flying cars and a complete underground level, like a mall. Talk about a smart investment. Too bad everyone is so overprotective of their trees and Jews. - - - - OTHER McSWEENEY'S FEATURES: - - - - Richard Salvatore: Future Extreme Accountant Endorsed by Gatorade By Julia HaslauerObscenities Uttered by Jesus Christ By Cara Jennison and Andrew Sutherland HBO to Launch Edgeless Series By Jack Pendarvis A Wedding Toast by Katie Holmes's Former Best Friend By Jay Dyckman McSweeney's Recommends |
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