MY VACATION WITH
THE GOVERNMENT.
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Hey, guys! I just got back into the office and I'm catching up on my e-mail. Whoa! Seems like a lot happened while I was on vacation last week. Anyhoward, in a lot of those e-mails you guys sent out, you seemed worried about where The Government was last week. Well, don't worry!!! The Government was on vacation with me! My husband and I have been friends with The Government since college, and we do a trip every year to catch up and, of course, to get loaded and get our freak on! The Government is soooooooooooooo much fun. The party never stops when The Government is in the heezy!
Our week started on Monday when we met up for pony rides on Pony Island. You technically aren't allowed to bring booze on the pony rides, but The Government packed a bag full of oranges that he'd injected with vodka. It kicked ass! By the time the pony rides were over, we were so rip-shit drunk that we all had to go back to our hotel and nap for, like, three hours. That night, we went to the Happy Unicorn Bar and hung out with some awesome unicorns. Unicorns love body shots, and so does T.G. Then these Pegasuses (Pegasi???) showed up and gave The Government a ride among the moon and stars. I wish I could remember the rest of the night, but we did a couple tabs of Ecstasy with Gov and it's a pretty big blur.
The next day, The Notorious G.O.V. took us on his private jet. He didn't tell us where we were going, but next thing we knew we were BEYOND THE RAINBOW. What?!?!? Yep. We spent the whole day tripping on acid with a bunch of little people in a forest made of candy. The Government pretended like he was fucking this chocolate bunny. We couldn't stop laughing about it. When we came back to earth, we chartered a yacht for the next three days. But this wasn't just any yacht, this was the Good Ship Lollipop! I don't know how The Government gets these kinds of hookups. Sometimes I would swear he had vast resources at his fingertips that he could use at any time to make people's lives better. So we took the Good Ship on a cruise. The Government just loves being out on the water in a boat. We saw magical dolphins and—I shit you not!—actual mermaids! I am NOT a lesbian, but those mermaids sure had some tig ol' bitties, if you catch my drift, and Gov was excited because he is totally a boob man!
On Saturday, our trip had to came to an end, since I had to be back for the Safe-T-Mart Regional Manager Conference—BOO-HOO! As a sendoff, The Government arranged for me and the hubby to take an awesome helicopter ride over a field made of diamonds and gold. Then, of course, we had a big going-away dinner. I ate so much I thought I might die!!! And we had so many leftovers that the hubs and I were embarrassed. Gov wasn't embarrassed, though. He doesn't let shame get in the way of having a good time! I asked T.G., what's your secret to always staying so calm? He leaned over to me and whispered in my ear. "The secret," he said, "is looking deep, deep down inside yourself. Looking way down inside your heart, past the rainbows and the bunnies and the adorable kittens. Looking into your true deep soul and realizing that, when push comes to shove, you just don't give a flying fuck."
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OTHER McSWEENEY'S FEATURES:
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My Vacation With The Government By Wendy Molyneux
Abercrombie: A Journey Into the Heart of Toolness By Lance Huffman
"The Aristocrats" as I Think Bob Newhart Would Perform It By Tabetha Wells
More Cases From the Files of Traig & McGrath, Shut-In Detectives: Cases 38 & 39 By Jenny Traig and Peter McGrath
Things Hagrid the Half-Giant Would Say If He Served Jesus Instead of Harry Potter By Hart Seely
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