STRATEGIC ATTEMPTS
TO DEFLECT ATTENTION
BY THE MOST OBVIOUSLY
OVERWEIGHT MEMBER OF
THE DONNER PARTY.
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Oh, hi, Jane. Wow, you OK? You look really tired. Didn't sleep well last night? Sure, sure, I know what you mean. Little Conner kept me up late, too. Such big lungs for such a little person! And kidneys, too, probably. Oh, nothing, I was just mumbling to myself. I didn't sleep too well, either. And you know they say that conserving energy and maximizing sleep is really the best way for us to get through this crisis. You can look that up if you want, but it's definitely true.
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I said we should have taken a left at that river. Which way did George say again? He said to take a right, right? Hmmm.
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What's that, Randy? Me? Really? No, no, I actually lost a few. Yeah, these pants are just really baggy. Hand-me-downs, actually. Oh, look, is Tom's top pants button undone again? Two days, you say? That's nothing. I haven't seen him wear a belt for over a week.
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Jacob, got a minute? Look, I'm just saying that "women and children first" has been sort of a golden rule for centuries and I think we'd be unwise to go against it. That's all I'm saying.
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Morning, Greg. Too bad you crashed so early last night. Yeah, a bunch of us stayed up late telling jokes and sharing stories. Huh? Oh, your wife was fine. Yeah, Jim was looking after her to make sure she stayed warm. And they do say that skin-on-skin contact is the best way for us to keep warm. And I guess ear nibbling, also. Who
knows, really?
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Didn't you think Randy's joke last night was racist? Yeah, really racist.
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No, no, not just card tricks. I do magic, too. And, of course, those shadow puppets that were cracking everyone up a few days ago. And, personally, I loved your James Polk impressions. But Larry? What's he bringing to the table?
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Oh, this? Yeah, it started a few weeks ago. Bad, bad rash, huh? Well, I'm hopeful, but I think it really might be a sign of a deep and toxic infection. What do you mean you haven't noticed it before? I've been itching for weeks. What? Oh, that's just insane. A cheese grater could not possibly have caused this redness. Yeah, well, bite me, Janet.
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OK, back up, Randy, that was just a joke.
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OTHER McSWEENEY'S FEATURES:
- - - -
Strategic Attempts to Deflect Attention by the Most Obviously Overweight Member of the Donner Party By Jay Dyckman
Seven People Who Are Screwing Up Marshville, Massachusetts (Pop. 2,384), and Frank Anderson Is No. 3 By Ralph Gamelli
If Only They Kept Diaries: Accu-Weather Guy and Snap, Crackle, Pop By Jeff Steinbrink
My Vacation With The Government By Wendy Molyneux
Abercrombie: A Journey Into the Heart of Toolness By Lance Huffman
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