REJECTED
SUBMISSIONS
FOR STARBUCKS'
"The Way I See It."
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Wouldn't it be nice if, instead of a "double shot of espresso," you could pound a couple jiggers of rye into this coffee? Then go back to work and pimpslap the boss? Yeah, that'd be great. Not gonna happen, though, fella. You'll finish your pastry, grit your teeth, and get back to the grind. Bottoms up!
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Boobs, hooters, headlights, funbags, party girls; society has made great strides, but in the matter of synonyms for breasts, it really doesn't get any better than tits. Viva tits!
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The way I see it, Lloyd is crazy. Not just short-pants-in-winter kinda crazy but batshit kinda crazy. Wears-a-velvet-cape-to-get-the-mail kinda crazy. Eats-imaginary-ice-cream-cone-while-talking-to-the-ghost-of-his-long-dead-Aunt-Hettie kinda crazy. Doesn't mean he shouldn't be allowed to drive a bus, though. It's just the way I see it.
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Usually with one eye closed, trying like hell to get a double rum and Coke for last call. That's the way I see it. Got a problem with that?
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People, in general, lack perspective. I say everyone should have to busk, out on a street corner, or in a public market, at least twice a year. Not necessarily playing Neil Young tunes on the guitar, either. Do your job, for change, in front of the 17th Avenue liquor store. Then go back to work and complain about having to share an office.
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Be the person you always wanted to be. Do it now. Especially if the person you want to be is the sort who knocks over shelves and merchandise displays in a coffee shop while giving strangers wedgies and singing "Forget Your Troubles, C'mon Get Happy!"
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OK, so they've got Alcoholics Anonymous, and Narcotics Anonymous, and Gamblers Anonymous. In fact, there are well over a hundred 12-step anonymous-type programs. So how come there's no Useless-Twat-Who-Lives-Upstairs-From-Me-Who-Insists-On-Playing-Dance-Music-Early-Sunday-Morning Anonymous?
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This coffee tastes like poop. Burnt poop.
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If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, make sure you get the money they owe from before you set them free.
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A clandestine collaboration between Eli Lilly, the federal government, and Starbucks to put Prozac in the coffee? Did you hear anything about that? You're right, it's probably bullshit. You finished reading the Entertainment section yet?
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OTHER McSWEENEY'S FEATURES:
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Rejected Submissions for Starbucks' "The Way I See It" By Tim Williams
I Wish I Could Say This Is the First Time I've Been Handcuffed to a Radiator By John Howell Harris
Urgent Proposal By Teddy Wayne
Trent, From Swingers, Performs an Exorcism By Adam J. Silver
Last Will and Testament of Patrick W. Dunkler, Conspiracy Theorist By Christopher Hynes
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