PRETTY MUCH
THE WAY SOME TOOL
ON THE PLANE WAS
TELLING JOKES WHILE I
WAS WONDERING IF WE
WERE ALL GOING TO DIE
IN A THUNDERSTORM
OVER THE ATLANTIC
OCEAN.
- - - -
There's this man who—I can't remember if he's trying to tell people he's important or impotent—but the point is he's trying to tell somebody one or the other about himself. Anyway, his accent, that's the thing. Like a Southern accent that makes him sound, well, he sounds normal, but with the accent he pronounces "important" the same way he pronounces "impotent." Right, so imagine some guy just telling you he's impotent out of nowhere. He's black, this guy. I should've mentioned that. Or maybe that's not that big of a deal, but I remember someone starting it by saying, "There's this black guy."
- - - -
First of all, you know the setup for the light-bulb jokes, right? You have to figure out how many of a certain type of people it would take to put this new light bulb in. So, do it with lesbians for the setup. And then when the person says, "I don't know. How many lesbians does it take to change a light bulb?" Then you just yell, "Shut! Up!"
- - - -
Why is Michael Jackson moving to Germany? I don't know, but have you seen the legal problems he was having over the last couple of years? I seriously think the guy is deranged. He lives such an isolated life that he has no idea how to function within society. If Michael Jackson had less money, he'd actually be better off. I mean, if he was a wealthy enough guy to enjoy the life of a pop star, great. But it got to some point where he had so much money, he freaked out. But then, on the other hand, you read all of this stuff in the press about how he's been in the red the whole time. Not a good babysitter, OK? Would not let my kid sleep over at Michael Jackson's house. What were those
people thinking? What did Michael Jackson say when he was asked why he makes music? "I do it for the kids."
- - - -
What did George Bush say to Osama bin Laden? No ... wait. Never mind, I can't do that one right now.
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OTHER McSWEENEY'S FEATURES:
- - - -
Pretty Much the Way Some Tool on the Plane Was Telling Jokes While I Was Wondering If We Were All Going to Die in a Thunderstorm Over the Atlantic Ocean By Dan Kennedy
Notes to My Household Staff By Jim Stallard
Unqualified Successes of George W. Bush's Two Terms in Office (So Far) By Dave Halbur
The Photo Commentary of an Expensive Camera in the Hands of an Amateur By Sebastian Gallese
Letter From an Earth Ball By Ben Greenman
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