SUMMER MOVIES
OTHER THAN MARCH OF
THE PENGUINS THAT
CONSERVATIVES ARE
RALLYING BEHIND.
BY MATT LOKER
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Charlie and the Chocolate Factory
The imaginative children's tale imparts the values of family togetherness, honesty, and avoiding premarital intercourse. "For example," writes James Dobson, "Violet gives in to the temptation of chewing gum, and becomes abnormally fat (representing pregnancy). The other three children similarly give in to temptation, and they all become dead (representing a social disease)."
Wedding Crashers
This bawdy comedy fits in neatly with conservative values, such as heterosexuality. "[Vince Vaughn and Owen Wilson] have sex with many, many women," observes syndicated radio host Michael Savage. "Homosexual men can't do that, on account of science."
Batman Begins
Bruce Wayne is the wealthy playboy son of an influential plutocrat. Later in life, he makes amends for his father by taking a lone-wolf-vigilante-justice approach to morally dubious acts of violence. Conservatives applaud the film's use of a tricked-out Hummer as the Batmobile, which was totally sweet.
The Dukes of Hazzard
Not once is the word "evolution" used in this movie. Many pundits proclaim this to be a tacit endorsement of intelligent design. "This is by far the best evidence yet," exclaims a joyous Pat Robertson on The 700 Club.
Star Wars: Episode III—Revenge of the Sith
Presents strong direct evidence for Christianity, owing mostly to Natalie Portman, who must be an angel. "Aw, shucks," says conservative talk-show host Sean Hannity, who sheepishly lowers his head and draws an arc in the dirt with his shoe.
Madagascar
No one is aborted in this movie.
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OTHER McSWEENEY'S FEATURES:
- - - -
Summer Movies Other Than March of the Penguins That Conservatives Are Rallying Behind By Matt Loker
Pretty Much the Way Some Tool on the Plane Was Telling Jokes While I Was Wondering If We Were All Going to Die in a Thunderstorm Over the Atlantic Ocean By Dan Kennedy
Notes to My Household Staff By Jim Stallard
Unqualified Successes of George W. Bush's Two Terms in Office (So Far) By Dave Halbur
The Photo Commentary of an Expensive Camera in the Hands of an Amateur By Sebastian Gallese
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