Short Imagined
Monologues.
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CHRISTOPHER WALKEN
ATTEMPTS TO CONVINCE
A HARLEM T-SHIRT VENDOR
THAT SCARFACE CAN BE
A RELIGION.
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Good afternoon, sir. No, I'm not looking for anything in particular, just admiring your fine array of Scarface apparel. You know, until I was walking up here, I had no idea Scarface had become so popular again. Shirts, wristbands, hats, boxers—this is just incredible. It's almost as if Tony Montana were being deified. I think that Scarface could possibly be the next new fad religion ... Oh, no, sir, actually it's entirely possible for this to be a religion; you just have to look at things objectively here. Objectivity can make anything possible. OK, hear me out, and I was totally just thinking about this yesterday ... All right ... so take all religions and define them as someone's Ultimate Reality—Ultimate Reality being the absolute nature of all things.
By that cross around your neck large enough to hold the actual Christ on it, I can see that Christianity is the absolute nature of all things to you. You devote yourself weekly to church and worship something you believe is the most important thing in your life, right? Something that you believe is bigger than you, your wife, and your job. What makes that any different from, say, I don't know, football? Don't act like you don't know people who would step over the dead raped carcass of their spouse to watch particular sports ... Anyway ... Please don't get angry, sir. I'm not trying to insult your religious practices by making unpleasant comparisons; I'm just being objective for the sake of proving my point that Scarface can be the next fad religion. People devotionally watch Scarface; they don apparel so the public knows they are fans. They consistently try to emulate its lead character. How is that any different from the basic structure of any other religion? Do you see what I'm saying? Stop being angry! I'm just trying to have a friendly conversa— Hey, how much is that painting of the Last Supper with Biggie Smalls over there?
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OTHER McSWEENEY'S FEATURES:
- - - -
Christopher Walken Attempts to Convince a Harlem T-Shirt Vendor That Scarface Can Be a Religion By Libby Leonard
An Open Letter to the Squirrel Trying to Chew Its Way Through My Roof By William Sawalich
Jim Jarmusch's Notes for a Ghostbusters Sequel By Jack Pendarvis
Summer Movies Other Than March of the Penguins That Conservatives Are Rallying Behind By Matt Loker
Pretty Much the Way Some Tool on the Plane Was Telling Jokes While I Was Wondering If We Were All Going to Die in a Thunderstorm Over the Atlantic Ocean By Dan Kennedy
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