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Dave Eggers' The Wild Things is available for preorder, in regular hardcover and
limited-edition fur-covered.

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"The Aristocrats" as I Think Bob Newhart Would Perform It. BY TABETHA WELLS - - - - (Telephone rings.) Heh-hello, uh, Bannerman Talent Agency ... Um. Ye-yes. This is Mr. Bannerman. Oh, you have an act you'd, you'd like me to ... to represent? Oh. OK. Can you describe it to me? Ah, I see. A family act. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. I'm sorry, they what? Oh. So the clothes come right off ... Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Well, I'm not sure the stage manager would want ... want you to smear that everywh— OK. I see. I'm sorry, you said three donkeys? OK. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Oh dear. Uh, how ... how old is your daughter? Uh-huh. And she already knows how ... how to ... That's not the best part? OK. What ... what is the best part? Oh dear. Are you sure that's ... um ... physically possible? You ... you do it all the time. Sometimes with fire. Well. Well, that is ah ... um ... a very, a very interesting act. Out of curiosity, what do you call yourselves? The ... the Aristocrats. I see. Well, thanks for calling, but I specialize in entertainment for children's parties. Uh-huh. Oh, you have another act? Uh-huh. Uh-huh. I'm ... I'm going to stop you right there. You're describing the same act. Ye-yes you are. OK, then. What makes it diff ... you were just getting to it ... OK. Uh-huh. Balloon animals. I see. You put them in your ... oh ... oh dear ... Well, I still don't ... don't think your act is right for us, but thanks for your time. It's been very ... uh ... very interesting, and good luck with ... with your careers. What? You ... you are willing to change the act if I, if I have a suggestion ... Um ... I think maybe if you didn't um ... have relations with your ... with your daughter ... while she was ... um ... servicing the donkeys ... Uh-huh ... Oh. I didn't, I didn't realize that was ... that was the heart of the piece ... No, I didn't mean to, I didn't mean to question your artistic in-integrity. You ... you're right. It's probably better if ... if I see it myself ... OK, see you tomorrow at 3. What? Wear a raincoat? All right, thanks for the ... for the tip. See you tomorrow. Buh-bye. - - - - OTHER McSWEENEY'S FEATURES: - - - - "The Aristocrats" as I Think Bob Newhart Would Perform It By Tabetha Wells More Cases From the Files of Traig & McGrath, Shut-In Detectives: Cases 38 & 39 By Jenny Traig and Peter McGrath Things Hagrid the Half-Giant Would Say If He Served Jesus Instead of Harry Potter By Hart Seely A Letter From "The Power" to Public Enemy By John Moe Rejected Submissions for Starbucks' "The Way I See It" By Tim Williams

- - - - MAIN PAGE | ARCHIVES Memories of Amanda Davis Red dot denotes content that is new today. Black dot denotes newish content. McSWEENEY'S STORE SUBSCRIBE TO: McSWEENEY'S THE BELIEVER WHOLPHIN FUTURE McSWEENEY'S BOOKS THE AMANDA DAVIS HIGHWIRE FICTION AWARD INVITE A McSWEENEY'S AUTHOR TO SPEAK IN YOUR TOWN OR COLLEGE THE BEST AMERICAN NONREQUIRED READING McSWEENEY'S MONTHLY MAILING LIST BOOKSTORES WITH A McSWEENEY'S DISPLAY McSWEENEY'S-RELATED EVENTS AND VARIOUS TOUR DATES ORDER INQUIRIES AND ADDRESS CHANGES SUBMISSION GUIDELINES: FOR BOOKS FOR THE QUARTERLY FOR THE WEBSITE FOR WHOLPHIN McSWEENEY'S INTERNSHIPS CONTACT US - - - - LETTERS TO McSWEENEY'S LISTS McSWEENEY'S PREDICTS McSWEENEY'S RECOMMENDS NEW WHOLPHIN FILM DAN LIEBERT, VERBAL CARTOONIST TEDDY WAYNE'S UNPOPULAR PROVERBS REVIEWS OF NEW FOOD DISPATCHES FROM MANILA DISPATCHES FROM MOSCOW AND HERE'S THE KICKER: MIKE SACKS'S CONVERSATIONS WITH HUMOR WRITERS SARAH WALKER SHOWS YOU HOW DISPATCHES FROM AN ENVIRONMENTAL LAWYER WHO IS TRYING TO GROW A MUSTACHE DISPATCHES FROM A HANGDOG BANKRUPT DISPATCHES FROM THE ANACOSTIA DISPATCHES FROM THE CAPITAL DISPATCHES FROM INDIA THE WINNER'S CIRCLE WITH ERIC FEEZELL BEN GREENMAN'S FAKE CELEBRITY MUSICALS SEAN MICHAELS LISTENS TO MUSIC IN MONTREAL SHORT IMAGINED MONOLOGUES KIDS' LETTERS TO PRESIDENT OBAMA STAINED TEETH: A COLUMN ABOUT WINE DISPATCHES FROM THE WINGS AT THE BALLET YOUR MONEY, YOUR JOB ... YOUR LIFE, WITH ALISON ROSEN KEVIN DOLGIN TELLS YOU ABOUT PLACES YOU SHOULD GO IN EUROPE LAWRENCE WESCHLER'S EVERYTHING THAT RISES: A BOOK OF CONVERGENCES THE CONVERGENCES CONTEST ABOUT THE CONVALESCENT ABOUT GOD SAYS NO ABOUT UNDERGROUND AMERICA ABOUT THANKS AND HAVE FUN RUNNING THE COUNTRY LETTERS FROM AN EARTH BALL TO, OR CONCERNING, SEAN HANNITY DISPATCHES FROM ADJUNCT FACULTY AT A LARGE STATE UNIVERSITY E-MAILS SENT TO THE UNIVERSITY OF ALABAMA ENGLISH DEPARTMENT FLAG-FOOTBALL TEAM ADVICE FROM A PERSON WITH A BACHELOR'S DEGREE IN PSYCHOLOGY JOHN MOE'S POP-SONG CORRESPONDENCES INTERVIEWS WITH PEOPLE WHO HAVE INTERESTING OR UNUSUAL JOBS FLIP: A COLUMN ABOUT SKATEBOARDING OPEN LETTERS TO PEOPLE OR ENTITIES WHO ARE UNLIKELY TO RESPOND DISPATCHES FROM A PUBLIC LIBRARIAN MICHAEL IAN BLACK IS A VERY FAMOUS CELEBRITY DAN KENNEDY SOLVES YOUR PROBLEMS WITH PAPER STEPHEN ELLIOTT'S POKER REPORT - - - - ADDITIONAL MATERIAL