TROUBLING
TYRA MAILS
CENSORED FROM
AIRED EPISODES OF
AMERICA'S NEXT
TOP MODEL.
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Models must not fear death. To become America's Next Top Model, you'll have to learn to stop a moving train with only your gaunt bodies and a tube of Cover Girl lip-gloss. Call your loved ones before 9:00 a.m. tomorrow. —Tyra
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Tomorrow you will know the wrath of God and feel the fury of the heavens raining down upon thee. What you learned about runway walking might come in handy. Be ready at 7:00 a.m. —Tyra
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I never understood why criminals are able to lift weights and get really strong while incarcerated. The van will be outside at 9:00 a.m. —Tyra
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Top models have to look stunning in evening wear as well as be able to withstand shark attacks alone in the ocean. Be prepared for either (or both) tomorrow morning at 10. —Tyra
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Forget all you think you know about post-Communist Russia and be prepared to do some serious reading and new-market brainstorming tomorrow at 8:00 a.m. —Tyra
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Vaseline can be a model's best friend. Be sure to wear underwear and make your way outside before the rooster calls in the east, for this shall be your comeuppance. —Tyra
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One of you bitches done stole my Fruit Roll-Ups. Heads will roll tomorrow at 6:00 a.m. sharp. —Y'all know my name
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In a photo shoot, sometimes a model needs to be prepared to find ways to get water other than conveniently drinking it from a glass. Gorillas chew on vegetation to stay hydrated. Set your alarm for 7:45 in the a.m. —Tyra
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Cartoon characters often wear tops but no pants for some reason. Some only have a shirt collar and a tie. Be drunk by 8:30 a.m. —Tyra
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Only one of you has what it takes to become America's Next Top Model. Be ready to be picked apart and crushed thoroughly by catty judges jealous of your womanhood tomorrow, for Judgment Day is upon you. Where's your God now? —Tyra
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OTHER McSWEENEY'S FEATURES:
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Troubling Tyra Mails Censored From Aired Episodes of America's Next Top Model By D.J. Kirkbride
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