You feel poor. We feel poor. Let's feel poor together. This week only, almost everything is half-price in our online store. Escape the holiday rush and cross every name off your list in one cheap swoop. - - - -

TROUBLING TYRA MAILS CENSORED FROM AIRED EPISODES OF AMERICA'S NEXT TOP MODEL. BY D.J. KIRKBRIDE - - - - Models must not fear death. To become America's Next Top Model, you'll have to learn to stop a moving train with only your gaunt bodies and a tube of Cover Girl lip-gloss. Call your loved ones before 9:00 a.m. tomorrow. —Tyra - - - - Tomorrow you will know the wrath of God and feel the fury of the heavens raining down upon thee. What you learned about runway walking might come in handy. Be ready at 7:00 a.m. —Tyra - - - - I never understood why criminals are able to lift weights and get really strong while incarcerated. The van will be outside at 9:00 a.m. —Tyra - - - - Top models have to look stunning in evening wear as well as be able to withstand shark attacks alone in the ocean. Be prepared for either (or both) tomorrow morning at 10. —Tyra - - - - Forget all you think you know about post-Communist Russia and be prepared to do some serious reading and new-market brainstorming tomorrow at 8:00 a.m. —Tyra - - - - Vaseline can be a model's best friend. Be sure to wear underwear and make your way outside before the rooster calls in the east, for this shall be your comeuppance. —Tyra - - - - One of you bitches done stole my Fruit Roll-Ups. Heads will roll tomorrow at 6:00 a.m. sharp. —Y'all know my name - - - - In a photo shoot, sometimes a model needs to be prepared to find ways to get water other than conveniently drinking it from a glass. Gorillas chew on vegetation to stay hydrated. Set your alarm for 7:45 in the a.m. —Tyra - - - - Cartoon characters often wear tops but no pants for some reason. Some only have a shirt collar and a tie. Be drunk by 8:30 a.m. —Tyra - - - - Only one of you has what it takes to become America's Next Top Model. Be ready to be picked apart and crushed thoroughly by catty judges jealous of your womanhood tomorrow, for Judgment Day is upon you. Where's your God now? —Tyra - - - - OTHER McSWEENEY'S FEATURES: - - - - Troubling Tyra Mails Censored From Aired Episodes of America's Next Top Model By D.J. Kirkbride A Major Publishing Event History's Most Lopsided Trades, as Renegotiated by Oakland A's General Manager Billy Beane By Teddy Wayne The Real Behind the Music By Joe John Like It or Not, You're No Bob Costas By Sarah Walker

- - - - MAIN PAGE   |   ARCHIVES   Memories of Amanda Davis   Red dot denotes content that is new today. Black dot denotes newish content. McSWEENEY'S STORE SUBSCRIBE TO: McSWEENEY'S THE BELIEVER WHOLPHIN FUTURE McSWEENEY'S BOOKS THE AMANDA DAVIS HIGHWIRE FICTION AWARD INVITE A McSWEENEY'S AUTHOR TO SPEAK IN YOUR TOWN OR COLLEGE THE BEST AMERICAN NONREQUIRED READING McSWEENEY'S MONTHLY MAILING LIST McSWEENEY'S-RELATED EVENTS AND VARIOUS TOUR DATES ORDER INQUIRIES AND ADDRESS CHANGES SUBMISSION GUIDELINES: FOR BOOKS FOR THE QUARTERLY FOR THE WEBSITE FOR WHOLPHIN McSWEENEY'S INTERNSHIPS CONTACT US - - - - LETTERS TO McSWEENEY'S LISTS McSWEENEY'S PREDICTS McSWEENEY'S RECOMMENDS NEW WHOLPHIN FILM DAN LIEBERT, VERBAL CARTOONIST JOKES BY BRIAN BEATTY REVIEWS OF NEW FOOD DISPATCHES FROM MANILA DISPATCHES FROM MOSCOW SO YOU WANT TO BE PRESIDENT? DISPATCHES FROM THE ANACOSTIA THE WINNER'S CIRCLE WITH ERIC FEEZELL BEN GREENMAN'S FAKE CELEBRITY MUSICALS DISPATCHES FROM A HUMANITARIAN JOURNALIST DEB OLIN UNFERTH'S SICK OF THE REVOLUTION DISPATCHES FROM IRAQ SHORT IMAGINED MONOLOGUES PHILIP GRAHAM SPENDS A YEAR IN LISBON STAINED TEETH: A COLUMN ABOUT WINE DISPATCHES FROM THE NAPOLEONIC WARS AT THE MET KEVIN DOLGIN TELLS YOU ABOUT PLACES YOU SHOULD GO IN EUROPE SONGS OF ENEMIES AND DESERTS: LIVING WITH THE SUDAN LIBERATION ARMY LAWRENCE WESCHLER'S EVERYTHING THAT RISES: A BOOK OF CONVERGENCES THE CONVERGENCES CONTEST ABOUT WHAT IS THE WHAT ABOUT BOWL OF CHERRIES ABOUT COMEDY BY THE NUMBERS ABOUT JOHN BRANDON'S ARKANSAS ABOUT MICHAEL CHABON'S MAPS AND LEGENDS ABOUT UNDERGROUND AMERICA ABOUT DEB OLIN UNFERTH'S VACATION LETTERS FROM AN EARTH BALL TO, OR CONCERNING, SEAN HANNITY DISPATCHES FROM ADJUNCT FACULTY AT A LARGE STATE UNIVERSITY ADVICE FROM A PERSON WITH A BACHELOR'S DEGREE IN PSYCHOLOGY DISPATCHES FROM THE NBA ENTERTAINMENT LEAGUE JOHN MOE'S POP-SONG CORRESPONDENCES B.R. COHEN'S ANNALS OF SCIENCE INTERVIEWS WITH PEOPLE WHO HAVE INTERESTING OR UNUSUAL JOBS OPEN LETTERS TO PEOPLE OR ENTITIES WHO ARE UNLIKELY TO RESPOND DISPATCHES FROM A PUBLIC LIBRARIAN MICHAEL IAN BLACK IS A VERY FAMOUS CELEBRITY DISPATCHES FROM ROY KESEY, AN AMERICAN GUY MARRIED TO A PERUVIAN DIPLOMAT LIVING IN CHINA DAN KENNEDY SOLVES YOUR PROBLEMS WITH PAPER STEPHEN ELLIOTT'S POKER REPORT - - - - ADDITIONAL MATERIAL