OUR POLICY
ON MARRIAGE.
BY KEN BUDD
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HETEROSEXUAL MARRIAGE. We are in favor of this.
NONHETEROSEXUAL MARRIAGE. We are opposed to this. Marriage is for heterosexuals.
NONHETEROSEXUAL DIVORCE. We are in favor of nonheterosexual divorce, because it ends a nonheterosexual marriage. However, since one must enter into a nonheterosexual marriage to receive a nonheterosexual divorce, we are opposed to nonheterosexual divorce.
MARRIAGE BETWEEN HETEROSEXUALS OF THE SAME SEX WHO REMAIN HETEROSEXUAL. We are opposed to same-sex heterosexual marriage, even though the couple is heterosexual and not nonheterosexual and thus not engaging in nonheterosexual sex. If, for example, heterosexual male Ralph Kramden of The Honeymooners married heterosexual male Ed Norton (also of The Honeymooners), we would still oppose this marriage, because marriage is between a man and a woman, not between a man and a man (or a woman and a woman), even though both heterosexual men are still heterosexual (unless Ralph Kramden was not actually a heterosexual man but an unattractive heterosexual woman, in which case we would be opposed not to the marriage of Ralph and Norton but to the marriage of Ralph and Alice).
MARRIAGE IN WHICH THE MAN BECOMES A WOMAN AND THE WOMAN BECOMES A MAN. If a man and a woman undergo surgery to become, respectively, a woman and a man, and then become man and wife, we are not opposed, since—because of their surgery—they are still a man and a woman (or a woman and a man). However, if a man is married to a woman and then becomes a woman himself, we would then be opposed to this marriage, since it is between a woman and a woman. (The same would be true if the woman became a man and was married to a man.) If the man had surgery to become a woman, and then had surgery to once again become a man, we would not be opposed to the marriage, assuming the wife was still a woman (and the man did not undergo another operation so he was no longer a man). However, we are opposed in principle to any surgery that turns men into women or women into men, regardless of whether the principals are heterosexual or nonheterosexual, thus meaning we are opposed to any marriage involving heterosexuals or nonheterosexuals who undergo surgery that turns men into women or women into men. Likewise, we are opposed to men who dress like women and women who dress like men, although if a man and a woman marry—which we are in favor of—and the man starts to dress like a woman, or the woman starts to dress like a man—which we are opposed to—we would still not oppose the marriage, since the marriage is between a woman and a man (though it could be the first step toward a nonheterosexual marriage, which we are opposed to).
MARRIAGE BETWEEN HUMANS AND ROBOTS, ASSUMING THAT BOTH THE HUMAN AND THE ROBOT ARE HETEROSEXUAL AND NOT NONHETEROSEXUAL AND THAT THE ROBOT HAS A GENDER-SPECIFIC IDENTITY, AS OPPOSED TO SUCH SEXUALLY AMBIGUOUS ROBOTS AS R2D2 AND GORT. We are OK with this. Unless the robots are gay.
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OTHER McSWEENEY'S FEATURES:
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Our Policy on Marriage By Ken Budd
Things You Can Do If You Love Jesus Other Than Honk By Jen Goodhue
Listmania!: Other Books Useful (or Not) for Americans to Read, Beyond William Blum's Rogue State, by Osama B-L By Teddy Wayne
Movie Reviews by the City of Los Angeles Itself By Nathaniel Missildine
The Pretentious 17-Year-Old's Guide to Dating By Jeff Barnosky
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