FROM
JOHN MOE'S
CONSERVATIZE ME:
CAN THESE MOVIES MAKE
YOU A CONSERVATIVE?
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Red Dawn (1984)
SUMMARY
A bad wheat harvest has meant the Soviets are hungry, and so, because the Green Party has gained control of West Germany, the Soviets set off on a long-rumored program of global conquest. In a unique tactical decision, a coalition of Soviet and Cuban forces decides to begin its invasion of the United States in rural Colorado. While the town's citizens are either shot or herded into detention camps, teenagers led by Patrick Swayze (supposedly a recent high-school grad but looking every one of his 32 years) launch a series of guerrilla attacks against the occupying forces.
CONSERVATIVE MESSAGES
Communists want to come to your town—airdrop in, actually—and shoot your teacher.
A gun is literally pried from the cold dead hands of its proud American gun owner, thus proving claims made on the bumper stickers on vehicles owned by conservatives.
Hotties like Jennifer Grey and Lea Thompson can be found in root cellars and are willing to run off with gun-toting teens rather than take their chances with communists. So, if you want to get with Jennifer Grey and Lea Thompson, toss away that copy of Das Kapital, comrade, and pack some dried deer meat instead.
ANTI-CONSERVATIVE MESSAGES
It is impossible, in the context of the current American situation in Iraq, to not think how easy it would be to recast the entire movie with Iraqis as the Wolverines and American troops in the part of the communists.
Reagan had been president for four years by this point. So whatever he was doing in that time obviously wasn't doing a whole lot of good.
Any country that depends on Patrick Swayze to save it probably isn't worth saving.
OVERALL PERSUASIVENESS SCORE
34
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Independence Day (1996)
SUMMARY
Evil aliens come from far away and start blowing up everything and trying to kill everyone. Though it's not explicitly stated in the screenplay, it seems likely that they hate our freedom. There's no use negotiating with them. You're either with us or you're with the murderous space aliens.
CONSERVATIVE MESSAGES
Bad creatures, not really humans, are coming from outside our borders to kill us all. Appeasement and negotiation are ineffective strategies.
Bill Pullman sort of looks like President George W. Bush. Sooooort of.
ANTI-CONSERVATIVE MESSAGES
Despite his resemblance to Bush, Pullman behaves differently. He actually flies military airplanes in real combat situations, assembles a large international coalition for something that everyone can agree on (world saving), pulls back the troops when it's clear that the prevailing military strategy is not working, and fires the secretary of defense, who turns out to be this total dick that everyone hates.
OVERALL PERSUASIVENESS SCORE
55
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Dirty Harry (1971)
SUMMARY
There's a deranged murderer on the loose in San Francisco, and the city government, full of ineffectual liberal bureaucrats, isn't doing enough to stop him. So it falls to Harry Callahan, Renegade Cop Who Plays By His Own Rules, to take justice into his own hands. Harry gets the bad guy and convinces him to renounce his delinquent ways and get his GED while in prison and express himself through poetry. No, I'm just kidding. Harry shoots him to death.
CONSERVATIVE MESSAGES
Criminals are evil. There's no rationalization or bad childhoods or liberal backstory here, they're just crazy evil creeps who need to be dealt with. And by "dealt with" I mean "shot."
A bus advertisement tells us that a new Ford Maverick costs about $2,700. That's not really a conservative strength, I just thought it was interesting.
The hero's tasks, and indeed the movie itself, would be nearly impossible if Harry had to rely on diplomacy and trade restrictions to capture Scorpio.
Harry is sent to talk down a suicide jumper. He deals with the situation by punching the suicidal man in the face. Violence solves everything.
Scorpio gets himself beaten up so he can claim Harry did it. Just like all those crafty bastards at Abu Ghraib.
ANTI-CONSERVATIVE MESSAGES
None.
OVERALL PERSUASIVENESS SCORE
85
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Patton (1970)
SUMMARY
General George S. Patton's military career is the subject of this epic biographical film that demonstrates both Patton's tactical brilliance and the mercurial temper that would eventually cost him his job. Germans fear him almost to the point of deification while America's allies find his crude and aggressive approach distasteful.
CONSERVATIVE MESSAGES
War is not so much "hell" as "awesome." Like the board game Risk but with the occasional sucking chest wound. "Rommel, you magnificent bastard. I read your book!" Patton shouts gleefully during maneuvers in North Africa.
Many within the American military leadership think it's a bad idea to go into Palermo, Italy, but Patton does it anyway. When he gets there, American troops are, in fact, greeted as liberators. See? Sometimes it works.
The Nazis have been oppressing Africa, Italy, France, Norway, and other places. The Americans want to go in there with tanks and planes but then turn those countries back over to the people to run for themselves. The Americans end up being right.
ANTI-CONSERVATIVE MESSAGES
Japan and Germany were actively attacking the United States and other nations when we decided to go to war against them.
Patton speaks French and reads poetry. So he's kind of an "elite."
OVERALL PERSUASIVENESS SCORE
76
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John Moe's new book, Conservatize Me, is now available for purchase.
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OTHER McSWEENEY'S FEATURES:
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From John Moe's Conservatize Me: Can These Movies Make You a Conservative? By John Moe
Back From Yet Another Globetrotting Adventure, Indiana Jones Checks His Mail and Discovers That His Bid for Tenure Has Been Denied By Andy F. Bryan
Patriotic Songs Reworked for the Modern Age By Michael J. Weingarth
Stories That Would Have Turned Out Differently If the Protagonists Had Had Cell Phones By Peter Norvig
How to Trip the President By Nathaniel Missildine
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