YOUR CORPORATE STORE.
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Buy stuff
with our logo on it
and show your company
loyalty.
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BY DIANE STILWELL
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1. Baseball Hat. Most companies give these away. But not us. We need more money. Give us yours. And get a hat.
$8
2. Fleece Pullover. Fleece is in. So is giving us your money. We'll give you a shirt. Wear it to work. Don't be embarrassed.
$49
3., 4. Classic Long- and Short-Sleeve T-Shirts. Why wait for a new business win or company party to get a free T-shirt? Buy one instead! It's for a good cause. Us.
Short: $15
Long: $20
5. Crewneck Sweatshirt. We used to just run the heat. Now we sell sweatshirts for those cold days. Feel a chill? Give us your money. You'll feel warm all over.
$25
6. Year-Round Windbreaker. We pay you all year long. So pay us back. Any time of the year. Come on. Give us your money. Now.
$35
7. Canvas Backpack. Putting your kids through college? Let us help. Buy this backpack. They'll love it. And we'll love your money.
$36
8. Leather Backpack. Putting your kids through private college? No other backpack will do. And what's a few more bucks, big spender?
$89
9. Leather Attaché Case. Show us how much you love this company. Give us your money. And lots of it.
$95
10. Attaché case. Hey, any bit helps. Throw us a twenty.
$20
11. Weekender Beach Bag. Got nothing to do on weekends but go to the beach? Then you're obviously available to work. Buy this. We dare you.
$30
12. Compact Gym Bag. So you have time to go to the gym? Hmmm. Buy this bag. See what happens.
$16
13. Golf Balls. Who says we don't have balls at this company? Show us you've got balls. Give us your money.
$8
14. Golf Towels. Sweating it out hoping for a raise? Give us your money instead. And get this great towel.
$7
15. Large Umbrella. Perfect for those rainy days you've been saving money for. And perfect for us, 'cause we need that money.
$8
16. Key Chain. Lucky enough to have keys to your office and desk? Give us a few dollars. Get a key ring.
$5
17. Compact Umbrella. Travel-size. Great for business trips. You can't expense it. But what can you expense?
$12
18. Mug. Great for use with our newly installed coffee vending machines. Which is why we won't be supplying coffee cups for those machines.
$10
19. Notebook. Keep your great ideas here since we won't be using them. And fork over your money.
$6
20. Rollerball Pens. Due to budget changes, pens will no longer be supplied by the company. We recommend you buy these. Really.
$4
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OTHER McSWEENEY'S FEATURES:
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Your Corporate Store By Diane Stilwell
Trip Advisory: The Boyhood Home of Former President Ronald Reagan By Amelia Gray
Mike Fink's Performance Review By James Erwin
If Professional Wrestling Rewrote American History By Eugene Tucker
Why I Won't Sell Your Memoir to Hollywood for Millions, Grandma By Amelia Morris
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