HOW TO TRIP
THE PRESIDENT.
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Foot Sweep
Enter from rear during a state dinner. Race through the large hall, overturning all plates that come within easy swatting distance. Barrel toward the podium, bleating like a dying goat, as loud as possible before someone figures out what's going on. Locate the
president striding toward the stage. Continue to weave through the round tables toward him. Hop onto the stage with one fluid hand plant. The momentum will do the rest to let your feet clear the edge. Just as he's ducking out of the way, catch his ankle with a left-foot
sweep. You may also want to shout "Hiyah!" Either way, this will send him forward, perhaps also pulling down a nearby cabinet secretary. Exit with arms pumping, tongue wagging.
Fingertip on Bottom of Television Screen
Turn on C-SPAN. Read the words "Live from the Rose Garden" below the image of the president providing indecipherable answers to unheard questions. After the president is finished, lean forward from your seat on the couch in your home. Slowly extend index finger approximately 10 inches away from your own face. Poke up into the bottom of screen (as it appears in your field of vision). Your index finger should form a rather large speed bump. The president will never see it. Narrate his fall with commentary to yourself or to friends watching with you.
Two-by-Four Nailed Into Ground
Spray-paint green a 2-by-4-inch piece of wood. Sometime when the president isn't home, hammer it down into the back lawn. Duck behind a hedgerow. Wait for Air Force One to land directly beside it. The exit staircase should then unfold right in front of your expertly placed piece of wood. Peek up from over your hedge as the president descends the stairs. Once he thinks he's reached the end of the steps, he'll begin to wave to members of the press. Watch carefully as he catches the toe of his shoe. It should be enough to tip his center of gravity. A guard will attempt to break his fall by unsuccessfully grabbing him by the belt. The president will then fall, arms outstretched, into the grass. While others help him up, call out "How was your trip?" Quickly dash in the opposite direction before Secret Service swarms.
Banana Peel
After you read a humorous online article about tripping the president, representatives from both Google and the FBI appear at your door. Choose to waive your rights. Whistle something while being accompanied to wherever it is you are being taken. Be sure to think of some good songs ahead of time. Then, just before entering through the heavy iron doors marked "Classified Personnel Only," toss an old banana peel onto the floor. Later, the president will come this way. He should be walking briskly. He'll land a weight-bearing wingtip right on the peel. It will slip, if you're lucky, a yard. The president will go reeling backward. Both feet will then be launched into the air.
Induced Dizziness via Satellite
During your televised hearing before an administration tribunal, remain calm and collected. The president will be watching a recorded rebroadcast, possibly in fast forward. You will take your seat on the witness stand. While the camera is focused on you, twirl a Bic pen on a string in a circle in front of you. Continue for as long as you are
able. The president will follow the motion hypnotically. Once he stands, he will lose his balance briefly, knocking into a coffee table. This will hurt his shin, causing him to stumble backward over a footrest.
Reincarnation as a Dachshund
Look into getting reincarnated. Ask any Presbyterian minister how to go about this. Coming back as a dachshund is really best if you want to pull this off properly. After the reincarnation and once you've spent a couple of days getting used to being a dachshund, have a brief impromptu conference with a leading Democrat somewhere around Capitol Hill. Actually, any Democrat will suffice, leading or not. Arrange to have the Democrat speak in public to the president on a matter of little to no importance. The president will be curious to hear more. As he listens, you, your dachshund legs scurrying as fast as they can, run up behind him. Avoid being seen by the president, as
he will turn around and say, "Looky, one of them hot-dog dogs," ruining the setup. Once you're behind him, place your long torso just behind his heels. Then it becomes the Democrat's job to push him. If he or she manages to do so with enough force, the president will fall backward over your dachshund body.
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Should any of these strategies fail to work, you could hope at least that someone would be moved to give the president a wedgie.
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OTHER McSWEENEY'S FEATURES:
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How to Trip the President By Nathaniel Missildine
Your Corporate Store By Diane Stilwell
Trip Advisory: The Boyhood Home of Former President Ronald Reagan By Amelia Gray
Mike Fink's Performance Review By James Erwin
If Professional Wrestling Rewrote American History By Eugene Tucker
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