PATRIOTIC SONGS
REWORKED FOR THE
MODERN AGE.
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The Yankee Doodle Boy
I'm a Yankee Doodle Dandy,
But I also retain my cultural heritage from my parents' nation of choice,
Because that's our right as Americans, even though they may not be current citizens.
You're a Grand Old Flag
You're a grand old flag,
You're a high-flying flag,
And forever in peace may you wave.
You're the emblem of
The land I love,
So fuck Puerto Rico. Fifty stars is a nice round number,
and it's hard
enough to memorize all the capitals as it is.
God Bless America
God bless America.
We basically just kick ass.
America the Beautiful
O beautiful for spacious skies, for amber waves of grain.
I probably won't vote when I'm finally 18.
My older brother is a gay libertarian
From sea to shining sea.
The Star-Spangled Banner
Take me out to the ball game,
Take me out to the crowd.
Buy me some peanuts and Cracker Jack.
I don't care if I never get back.
Let me root, root, root for the home team.
If they don't win, it's a shame.
For it's one, two, three strikes, you're out,
At the home of the brave!
Yankee Doodle
Yankee Doodle went to town
A-riding on a pony.
Mommy is at work tonight, so I made instant macaroni
For dinner. Why don't they come to my baseball games anymore?
My therapist tells me it's not my fault.
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OTHER McSWEENEY'S FEATURES:
- - - -
Patriotic Songs Reworked for the Modern Age By Michael J. Weingarth
Stories That Would Have Turned Out Differently If the Protagonists Had Had Cell Phones By Peter Norvig
How to Trip the President By Nathaniel Missildine
Your Corporate Store By Diane Stilwell
Trip Advisory: The Boyhood Home of Former President Ronald Reagan By Amelia Gray
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