REJECTED AMERICA'S
FUNNIEST HOME VIDEOS
SUBMISSIONS, AS LOGGED
BY JUNIOR PRODUCTION
ASSISTANT INTERN
KENNETH POLK.
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AFV956382: Man loses control of jet ski and, after flipping three times on the water, crashes, obliterating the craft in a massive fireball. However, all this manages to occur in a way that is utterly indistinct and quite banal.
AFV956382: Man at office birthday party punches co-worker in arm, but really hard, so co-worker looks like he's about to cry. A mood of quiet and intense discomfort descends upon the room.
AFV100004: Jack Russell terrier, when whining for a treat, uncannily sounds like he's saying, "The Maldives were positively splendid this year, save for a certain insolence taking hold among the servants."
AFV377745: During elderly uncle's tribute speech at wedding, dentures eject from his mouth, trailing a glistening string of saliva at just the perfect arc so as to impress upon the viewer the terrors of old age and life's crushing vanity.
AFV885600: If an infinite number of blindfolded children are swinging an infinite number of baseball bats at an infinite number of piñatas and infinitely missing, sooner or later, won't one of the infinite fucking parents actually duck in the nick of time?
AFV119950: Child urinates on mall Santa's leg. Not out of fear or anxiety; he walks up, unzips, and urinates on the mall Santa's leg.
AFV395002: Fat man does "cannonball" in cruise-ship hot tub. Enraged vacationers proceed to bludgeon man with plastic deck chairs.
AFV893342: Man on bike jumps makeshift ramp, crashes into tree. However, humor of footage compromised by subsequent close-up of compound fracture of humerus and squeals of horrific pain.
AFV003658: Remote-control plane dives onto man in park, but at the last second a duck swoops in and takes plane in its beak; errant Frisbee startles duck, which drops plane onto head of nearby unicyclist, who fumbles the oranges he's juggling. Rolling down a slight grade, the four oranges trip up two joggers, who take spectacular pratfalls; one jogger's water bottle strikes and disables the camera. However, event feels scripted.
AFV444871: Infant's eerily steady, unblinking gaze suggests forbidden knowledge of the ancients.
AFV433761: Angry goose chases terrified child; child stops running after momentous realization that his fears are quite groundless. Child turns upon goose and consumes it in a primal orgy of Neanderthal bloodlust.
AFV568722: Rather than looking cuter, kitten outfitted with party hat takes on expression of deep, intractable woe.
AFV900087: Bouquet toss at wedding results in good-natured tussle, which is abruptly ended by devastating roundhouse kick to a bridesmaid's sternum.
AFV000488: American woman's tumble during limbo party on Jamaican getaway inspires brand of laughter in natives that betrays intense derision, contempt, and distrust of our ways.
AFV211091: Dog can walk on hind legs; elderly woman next to dog, not so much.
AFV564828: Iguana wearing sombrero fails to fulfill true comic potential.
AFV488820: Young teen studying math textbook at kitchen table told about the concept of infinity by father holding camera; teen visibly slips into state of depressed bewilderment as his conception of time, reality, and the nature of the universe violently changes before our very eyes.
AFV712940: Fifteen minutes of still footage of washing machine. Strongest theory to date is that a man inside the washing machine is waiting to emerge in order to surprise girlfriend with marriage proposal.
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OTHER McSWEENEY'S FEATURES:
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Rejected America's Funniest Home Videos Submissions, as Logged by Junior Production Assistant Intern Kenneth Polk By Andrew Kiraly
I Would Like to Apologize to the Class By Wendy Molyneux
Voices From the Storm
2006 Voter's Guide By Matthew Baldwin
The Race for Junior-Class Vice President Goes Negative By Michael Ward
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