For the next two days, you can get any available issue of McSweeney's Quarterly Concern for $5. Yep. Just $5. This deal is only good through Friday, so stock up before the long holiday weekend. - - - - |
MY PRISON NOTES.BY JIM STALLARD- - - - Week 1 To Warden Sarris: I'm afraid the lid is missing on the toilet seat in my cell. Can you redress this? Also, I'd like to put in a request for Splenda to be served with the coffee. And do you think there's any chance of getting morning roll call pushed back to 8:30? Looking forward to a productive relationship during my time here. To the men in Cell 3: Fellas: It was a little loud yesterday afternoon down your way. I can't see directly into your cell (I think you're across from me and two down), but I could hear quite a bit of your argument over which one of you has killed more mother*******. It makes it hard for a guy to nap! Also, could you make an effort to tone down the profanity? It's really just a crutch. To Shane: I was dazzled by the colorful tattoo wrapped around your bicep! All those lovely red, yellow, and black stripes on a snake. I'm reluctant to bring this up, but ... you surely thought it was a depiction of the harmless king snake, although it's actually the poisonous coral snake. I did a lot of soul-searching when deciding whether to tell you (and discussed it with the chaplain), but I thought you would want to know. I'm sure you don't want a deadly animal on your arm! To the men of 3-C Wing: When you all agreed to take part in the "light as a feather, stiff as a board" trick in the exercise yard, I hoped it would be a valuable lesson in teamwork. What I didn't expect was for the six of you to urinate on me while I lay there with my eyes closed. If you're going to be disrespectful, why should I make the effort to show you neat tricks? To Duane: I was appalled by your behavior in the yard yesterday. I don't know where you got hold of that "shiv," or why you felt you had to stick it in that poor man's ribs. I can strongly recommend two terrific books about peaceful conflict resolution, Transforming Anger to Personal Power and Slowing Down to the Speed of Love. I will try to get hold of them for you. To Shane: I feel awful about letting the cat out of the bag regarding your escape plan. I know how frustrating it is to work and plan and sweat over something that falls to pieces at the last moment. I spilled the beans once about someone's surprise party and felt horrible for days afterward. It's just that the guard was talking to me about how he was thinking of making "a big change" and getting away, and I told him I admired that kind of thinking and, of course, thought of you and told him you had your own big change in mind and would you listen to Mr. Blabbermouth, here I go again! Sometimes I don't know when to stop! I think meeting face-to-face over this in the laundry room to "fix things," as you suggested, is a good idea. See you right after dinner. To Charlie: We are fed only twice a day here. When you pick up my meal tray and smash it in my face, it makes it very difficult to eat. If we are to be good cellmates, we need to respect each other. I can't say I enjoyed kneeing you in the groin and then breaking your finger, but I needed to establish a firm boundary. (I did make sure it was your left hand, since you're right-handed.) Do you understand now how every action is reciprocated? Week 2 To Duane: OK, what you did to me yesterday was plainly without my consent, and I think I made my objections clear to you at the time. Apart from that, there is a larger issue—Charlie has assumed the role of my overseer, for lack of a better term, so consider me off-limits unless you clear it with him first. To Shawn: As has become clear to everyone, I no longer have any need for the toothpaste, dental floss, and bleaching gel I had smuggled in here. I'm enclosing them with this note in the hopes you can use them to maintain that nice smile of yours. What's your secret? (I think I know the answer—there's an angel watching over you named Shane.) To all Brotherhood members: Sincere thanks for "getting my back" this morning. I'm starting to come around to your view that certain types of people are unsavory. I'm interested in hearing more about your group—admission standards, initiation procedures, dues, etc. Is the shaved head a requirement? Not that I don't think it looks great on all of you. To Raymond: Sorry about the incident at lunch today. I didn't intend for the fork to break off inside you. (I guess I should have figured—it is plastic.) But when you disrespect me by calling me by my old name, I have no choice but to remind you in a way you won't forget that I am now Wolf, not "David." Week 3 To my new brothers: We move on Charlie in the yard today when the guards do their shift change. Wait for my signal before taking him. Thanks in advance. To Fresh Meat: I don't know what the fuck your name is, but if you wake me up with your coughing again I'll ram your head against the floor twice as hard as I did this morning and drown you in the toilet. (It's easy when there's no lid.) Should I carve this into your candy ass so you don't forget? - - - - Jim Stallard's - - - - OTHER McSWEENEY'S FEATURES: - - - - My Prison Notes By Jim StallardFragments From If I Did It! The Musical By Ben Greenman TripAdvisor.com Reviews: Jekyll & Hyde B&B By Kate Hahn Cate Blanchett Upgrades Her Cable Service By Emily Talbott Voices From the Storm: Part 2 |
Red dot denotes content that is new today.
Black dot denotes newish content.