TRAVELING EUROPE
IN STYLE WITH
AUCKLAND DINGIROO,
DARK-AGE TOURIST
AND CRITIC OF FOOD
AND DRINK:
AVOIDING MONGOL
CAPTURE.
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The Tartars, their havoc and mystifying horror, should be avoided at all costs. The Tartars are madmen and bathe in the urine of their horses.
Should you encounter a Mongol horde and do not die a torturous death by their hungry dogs, you will most likely succumb by some other unspeakable means.
If you are unfortunate enough to run into these godless, inbred beasts, follow these tips and you just might have a fighting chance.
Avoid Russia and Eastern Europe
The best way to avoid Tartar captivity is to simply stay away. It may be a good idea to live on an island away from the mainland, because the horsemen will someday conquer the whole of Europe. They are that vicious. They are unwilling to travel over water, however, because it is possible the boat could sink and result in a bath. Any Tartar who engulfs himself in water is executed. To immerse even their filthy rags in clean water is a death sentence, as it goes against their sacred code of unsanitary barbarian honor.
For many of you, it will be impossible to avoid the cuisine, art, and scenery of these locales. I mean, where else can you get onion-fed lamb, enjoy gruel out of a peasant's hat, or observe the strange sites and sounds of pagan Lithuania? I, for one, am certainly not willing to say goodbye to that.
Carry Plenty of Raw Meat
I cannot stress how important this is. With just a few mere handfuls of raw swine, I have escaped a painful death on more than one occasion. If a detachment of Tartar cavalry overtakes you in your travels, simply toss that raw meat into the brush. (It does not have to be fresh.) The barbarians will rush in after and noisily consume the animal flesh. I have also heard of people having success using a leather flagon of fermented mare's milk. According to the Tartar Code, travelers who provide tasty treats are immune to ill treatment and allowed to go on their merry way. Just remember, they are godless fiends and would savor the irony of killing you anyway. Thus, make sure you run away as fast as you can while they are distracted!
Do Not Appeal to Morality or Pity
Tartars have no sense of morality or pity. It simply is not there. Tartars spend their entire childhood plotting to rob their parents of all worldly possessions. Then, when they finally reach maturity, they do so and make a point of destroying whatever they cannot carry. If, for a yurt, some firewood, and a couple of horses, they would cause their own parents to starve, what possible chance do you have? The answer, of course, is none.
Find the Tartar Within
This is a great way to avoid trouble. Tartars never engage in violence against themselves unless they suspect one to be a horse thief. I myself would sooner die than look and smell like one of these foul beasts, but perhaps you would consider it. To pose as one, you must coat yourself in mud and blood. Then it is necessary to don the furs of several dogs and other animals. They can't be clean, however. Take the furs and allow them to sit outside in the elements for at least two years. Thoroughly soak the garments in horse urine and place a leather cap on your head. Tartars have no spoken language, so if you do encounter any of them simply grunt unintelligibly and you should do just fine.
Practice Shamanism
This can really impress the average Tartar. Tartar shamans are rumored to be able to kill a dog with a bolt of lightning from over a mile away. They can breathe underwater, digest horse hooves, and shape-shift into camels. During times of extreme hardship, the holy men are known to morph into camels and help a fleeing army carry supplies and equipment. The shamans wear necklaces made of dog ears and make odd sounds while they wave their arms wildly. I have known many people who traveled without incident posing as shamans. Take care, however: acting like a Tartar shaman is the first step in becoming one. This actually happened to the crown prince of Burgundy, so please be cautious!
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The Tartars know a good place when they see one and do not take kindly to tourists. Hopefully, you will now be able to travel among them and not suffer the fate of so many who have fallen into their hands: becoming ammunition for their urine-soaked catapults.
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Read more advice
for the Dark Age tourist.
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OTHER McSWEENEY'S FEATURES:
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Traveling Europe in Style With Auckland Dingiroo, Dark-Age Tourist and Critic of Food and Drink: Avoiding Mongol Capture By John Hallmann
Butterball Help-Line Help-Line By Alysia Gray Painter
My Prison Notes By Jim Stallard
Fragments From If I Did It! The Musical By Ben Greenman
TripAdvisor.com Reviews: Jekyll & Hyde B&B By Kate Hahn
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