AARON SORKIN VISITS A DENTAL HYGIENIST. BY JACK PENDARVIS - - - - DENTAL HYGIENIST: Can you open up for me, Mr. Sorkin? AARON SORKIN: Hey, what is this music? DENTAL HYGIENIST: I'm not sure. It's just something they pipe in. "Girl From Ipanema"? AARON SORKIN: Because it sounds like Poulenc. Are you familiar with Les Six? DENTAL HYGIENIST: I'm going to need you to stop talking, please. AARON SORKIN: Of course you're not familiar with Les Six. In these days of freedom fries! DENTAL HYGIENIST: I just need to ... AARON SORKIN: You know what's weird about Poulenc? It sounds like you're pronouncing him wrong, even when you're doing it right. It's the "ank" sound, as in "Paul Anka." I guess you've never heard of Paul Anka, either. DENTAL HYGIENIST: Can you open wide for me, please? AARON SORKIN: You would think it would be the "ankh" sound, as in the ankh, the Egyptian symbol of life. But it's not. It's the Paul Anka sound. You know, it would help if you said certain words back to me, just random sentences that use the same key words I'm using. DENTAL HYGIENIST: I have a lot of other patients who need their teeth cleaned, so ... AARON SORKIN: Like I say, "Les Six," and you say, "Les Shut Up!" Something like that. I don't know. That's just off the top of my head. It doesn't have to make sense. It just has to sound like banter. It has to give a banterlike impression. Hey, that's a good example. I could say, "It just has to sound like banter," and then you shoot back, real quick-like, "Oh, it has to give a banterlike impression." We just say the same words back to one another over and over in different random orders. DENTAL HYGIENIST: OK, that sounds nice. Maybe at the end of the appointment, when I'm removing your bib. But right now I need you to open wide so I can ... AARON SORKIN: Oh, then, at the end, you say something like, "In the United States today, 30 percent of the people can't do so-and-so and here we are bantering about Poulenc." And then we both look sad. DENTAL HYGIENIST: You sleep now. (The DENTAL HYGIENIST suddenly places a mask over AARON SORKIN's face and turns up the laughing gas full force. Soon AARON SORKIN is out like a light.) DENTAL HYGIENIST: It's "Girl From Ipanema," asshole. - - - - OTHER McSWEENEY'S FEATURES: - - - - Aaron Sorkin Visits a Dental Hygienist By Jack Pendarvis ¡Número Veintiuno! Brett Favre Is Like a Kid Out There By Adam Underhill My Father the Lawyer By Chris Van Orden The Terror Alert Levels: A Brown Person's Guide By RT Sehgal

- - - - MAIN PAGE   |   ARCHIVES   Memories of Amanda Davis   Red dot denotes content that is new today. Black dot denotes newish content. McSWEENEY'S STORE SUBSCRIBE TO: McSWEENEY'S THE BELIEVER WHOLPHIN FUTURE McSWEENEY'S BOOKS THE AMANDA DAVIS HIGHWIRE FICTION AWARD INVITE A McSWEENEY'S AUTHOR TO SPEAK IN YOUR TOWN OR COLLEGE McSWEENEY'S MONTHLY MAILING LIST McSWEENEY'S-RELATED EVENTS AND VARIOUS TOUR DATES ORDER INQUIRIES AND ADDRESS CHANGES SUBMISSION GUIDELINES: FOR BOOKS FOR THE QUARTERLY FOR THE WEBSITE FOR WHOLPHIN McSWEENEY'S INTERNSHIPS CONTACT US - - - - LETTERS TO McSWEENEY'S LISTS McSWEENEY'S PREDICTS McSWEENEY'S RECOMMENDS NEW WHOLPHIN FILM DAN LIEBERT, VERBAL CARTOONIST JOKES BY BRIAN BEATTY REVIEWS OF NEW FOOD DISPATCHES FROM MOSCOW SO YOU WANT TO BE PRESIDENT? DISPATCHES FROM THE ANACOSTIA THE WINNER'S CIRCLE WITH ERIC FEEZELL BEN GREENMAN'S FAKE CELEBRITY MUSICALS DISPATCHES FROM A HUMANITARIAN JOURNALIST DISPATCHES FROM IRAQ SHORT IMAGINED MONOLOGUES PHILIP GRAHAM SPENDS A YEAR IN LISBON STAINED TEETH: A COLUMN ABOUT WINE DISPATCHES FROM THE NAPOLEONIC WARS AT THE MET KEVIN DOLGIN TELLS YOU ABOUT PLACES YOU SHOULD GO IN EUROPE SONGS OF ENEMIES AND DESERTS: LIVING WITH THE SUDAN LIBERATION ARMY LAWRENCE WESCHLER'S EVERYTHING THAT RISES: A BOOK OF CONVERGENCES THE CONVERGENCES CONTEST ABOUT WHAT IS THE WHAT ABOUT BOWL OF CHERRIES ABOUT COMEDY BY THE NUMBERS ABOUT JOHN BRANDON'S ARKANSAS ABOUT MICHAEL CHABON'S MAPS AND LEGENDS LETTERS FROM AN EARTH BALL TO, OR CONCERNING, SEAN HANNITY DISPATCHES FROM ADJUNCT FACULTY AT A LARGE STATE UNIVERSITY ADVICE FROM A PERSON WITH A BACHELOR'S DEGREE IN PSYCHOLOGY DISPATCHES FROM THE NBA ENTERTAINMENT LEAGUE JOHN MOE'S POP-SONG CORRESPONDENCES B.R. COHEN'S ANNALS OF SCIENCE INTERVIEWS WITH PEOPLE WHO HAVE INTERESTING OR UNUSUAL JOBS OPEN LETTERS TO PEOPLE OR ENTITIES WHO ARE UNLIKELY TO RESPOND DISPATCHES FROM A PUBLIC LIBRARIAN MICHAEL IAN BLACK IS A VERY FAMOUS CELEBRITY DISPATCHES FROM ROY KESEY, AN AMERICAN GUY MARRIED TO A PERUVIAN DIPLOMAT LIVING IN CHINA STEPHEN ELLIOTT'S POKER REPORT - - - - ADDITIONAL MATERIAL