SITUATIONS
IN WHICH I WOULD
BE WILLING TO DIE A
PREMATURE DEATH.
- - - -
1.
I am the head of an organized-crime family. Many years ago, I had to order the murder of my best friend for business purposes, and I have been racked with guilt ever since. Unbeknownst to me, he had a son, who spent the next 30 years building a rival family and dreaming of revenge. He invites me to a sit-down, at which he reveals his identity and shoots me in the chest. My guilt now relieved by this poetic justice, I smile and whisper, "I'm glad it was you," as a single tear rolls down his cheek.
2.
I am stricken with an illness that is painless but terminal. I spend the remaining two years of my life imparting my wisdom to an old friend, who then writes a best-selling book about it. Critics agree that the book is much better than Tuesdays With Morrie, with all the poignancy but none of the insufferably schmaltzy prose.
3.
I am an evil villain whose plan for world conquest has been foiled by my longtime arch-nemesis, a handsome and resourceful government agent who is currently chasing me up a steep mountain. When we reach the top, I raise my hands and offer my surrender. As he approaches, I remind him that, in his obsessive quest to stop me, he has caused the deaths of hundreds of innocents. He was willing to do anything and hurt anyone to get what he wanted, I tell him, and, in that way, had he not become the same as me? As if to prove the point, we simultaneously reach for hidden knives and stab each other in the chest. As we both sink to our knees, I can see in his eyes that he appreciates the irony.
4.
The same as above, except I am the government agent. I appreciate the irony.
5.
Mary-Louise Parker offers to sleep with me, on the admittedly strange condition that she gets to kill me afterward. I immediately accept, and it is totally worth it.
6.
I have been unjustly accused of murder by a corrupt prosecutor. Everyone knows that the trial is rigged and that I am not guilty, but no one speaks up, and I am sentenced to death. At my execution, which for some reason is nationally broadcast, I am asked if I have any last words. With quiet dignity, I give a powerful speech about how the real murderer is Society, for allowing an innocent man to die. I am executed anyway, but everyone agrees that they've learned an important lesson, and my birthday becomes a national holiday.
7.
I am a soldier stationed in Iraq, on a special mission to protect the president during one of his surprise visits to Baghdad. As I walk alongside him, I notice an IED a few feet away, and immediately realize it's about to detonate. I hurl my body in front of the president, just in time to absorb the brunt of the explosion. As I lie on the ground, my blood draining out of numerous wounds, the president, with tears in his eyes, asks me if there's anything he can do to repay me for my sacrifice. I softly whisper, "Tell the world what a terrible mistake this war was," and then I die, leaving him with an uncomfortable PR dilemma.
- - - -
OTHER McSWEENEY'S FEATURES:
- - - -
Situations in Which I Would Be Willing to Die a Premature Death By Zhubin Parang
Andy Rooney Will Seat You Now By Jason Roeder
Matthew Barney: "Those NFL Films Are Great"
Selections From the Notebooks of Max Roosevelt, 15-Year-Old Socialist By Ben Dwertman
Traveling Europe in Style With Auckland Dingiroo, Dark-Age Tourist and Critic of Food and Drink: Avoiding Mongol Capture By John Hallmann
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