SO YOU'VE
KNOCKED OVER
A ROW OF A
MOTORCYCLE GANG'S
MOTORCYCLES.
- - - -
First, don't panic. Although they appear to be enraged, you would not believe how many times this has happened to the motorcycle gang. At least once a week a tourist comes seeking directions at the lonely roadside diner the motorcycle gang frequents, and tips over all of their motorcycles, usually by accidentally walking backward into
the first of the row. The motorcycle gang actually has domino-effect-tipping insurance from Allstate, but you can be sure they won't tell you that. They want you to think you must pay (and they don't mean with money) for the damage you've caused through your clumsiness. No, what this motorcycle gang wants to see is the unbridled horror that spreads across your face as you realize what you've done and you stand helplessly by as not one, not five, but 20 motorcycles topple over, one by one. The process is almost
excruciatingly long, just long enough that it seems you should do something to stop the chain of events, so you run to the end of the line to try and halt the tipping process by exerting your full body weight against the last motorcycle, but the combined force of the 20 bikes proves to be too much, and you become pinned under the last enormous bike. You really should not have done that, because now you are in a very vulnerable position, and the motorcycle gang can now do what they enjoy doing most in the world: form a circle around you that blocks out the sun, look down upon you as they punch their fists together, and slowly chuckle or growl.
Again, don't panic. You must try and muster all of your strength and roll out from under the bike. The motorcycle gang will actually allow you to stand up, as this lets them do what they enjoy doing second most in the world: slowly walk toward you as a group while you edge backward, stammering apologies and telling them to take it easy.
However, you should not be walking backward, because then you bump into a second row of motorcycles! Actually, this row happens to be a row of the motorcycle gang's girlfriends' Vespas. Now, this has never happened before, and it genuinely upsets the motorcycle gang, as their insurance does not cover their girlfriends' Vespas, which, although considered gifts and tax-deductible, are not covered under their Allstate plan, as, again, they are not motorcycles but Vespas.
Now maybe you should panic, because, honestly, the motorcycle gang was not prepared for this turn of events and now their girlfriends are upset. Although they actually do not want to beat you up—after all, it was clearly a mistake and they are not unreasonable men—they can't back down now in front of their women. This is when you should start to run, and you now actually have an advantage, as it will take the motorcycle gang a while to right all of their toppled motorcycles. You forgot that you drove here, though, and now you're sprinting down a desert highway with no idea of where you're going. After all, you did initially stop at this roadside diner to ask for directions. However, your technically flawed decision to ditch your car was actually the correct solution, as it is extremely hard to engage in a low-speed chase on a motorcycle, especially when the object of pursuit is on foot, and a motorcycle gang would never chase anyone without their motorcycles. Therefore, the motorcycle gang, with their girlfriends on the back of their bikes, actually shoots by you, and when the leader realizes that they have far outstripped you, he emits a shout of rage and orders everyone to turn around, but amid the confusion of a 180-degree turn, the motorcycle gang becomes tangled, and once again their motorcycles go tumbling over. You see this, and instead of continuing to sprint toward the motorcycle gang, you quickly turn around (easy for you on foot), run back toward the diner, fumble for your keys, and triumphantly speed away in the opposite direction while the motorcycle gang shakes their fists at your rapidly disappearing car.
- - - -
OTHER McSWEENEY'S FEATURES:
- - - -
So You've Knocked Over a Row of a Motorcycle Gang's Motorcycles By Sarah Walker
We Guarantee You'll Love This Book
Mouthwash Commercials Taken to Their Logical Conclusion By Mike Richardson-Bryan
The Slow and Painful Collapse of a Relationship Over the Course of a Weeklong Vacation as Expressed by the Names Each Partner Gave Their Digital Photos Taken During Said Vacation By Matt Hulten
My Memoirs of My Geisha By Rick Stoeckel
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