THE END
OF MY MARRIAGE,
RENDERED IN THE
ELEGANT PHRASEOLOGY
OF CELEBRITIES.
- - - -
HIM: After 10 years of marriage, and much careful thought and consideration, I've reached the difficult decision to part ways with you. This has been a very painful time for both of us.
Your recent hospitalization for exhaustion did take its toll on our relationship, to be sure, but I want to emphasize that your exhaustion was not the cause of our current estrangement. I realize that those who enjoy speculating on this type of thing will wish to believe such bottom-feeding lies, and this saddens me.
The truth is, our lives have been moving in different directions for quite some time, and we came to the difficult conclusion that the best way for us to grow in our deep mutual affection for each other is by allowing this close connection to evolve through a devoted and loving indefinite absence.
I fully support you in your recovery from exhaustion. I understand how difficult it can be. Growing up, I watched my father fight a losing battle with his own exhaustion, which caused him to beat my mother, smash ceramic deer figurines against the wall, and pee on the dinner salad. I can't tell you how profoundly it affected my family. I know you will transcend this hardship with the strength and beauty I've come to cherish in you.
ME: I continue to have a tremendous amount of respect and admiration for you. You will always be an important part of my life.
I am deeply touched by your amicable support during this difficult period in my life. I agree that speculation and blame will only hinder our ongoing growth as a couple committed to a loving nonmarriage in separate homes with minimal contact of any kind. I know there are those crass, reprehensible individuals who might believe my exhaustion was merely a consequence of your shameless, almost poignantly desperate attempts at womanizing. I am not one of those people. Yes, I was fully aware that you cherished a close friendship with that rather lumpy girl at your office with the strange bangs. I caught the two of you mutually enjoying a close camaraderie (based on shared respect) in the mailroom that time when I stopped by to bring you lunch. I hope you at least used a condom.
But I take responsibility for my own exhaustion, and I look forward to beginning a new chapter of my life.
I am deeply saddened that we were unable to work things out, and I hope people will respect our privacy during this difficult time.
HIM: Sadly, our busy schedules have caused us to grow apart, and this mutual decision was cordial and rooted in a solid foundation of shared fondness. We remain close, and will rely on the support of our family and friends to get us through this transition.
With all due respect and heartfelt admiration, I would remind you that I never would have looked twice at L'Oralei in human resources if you'd made even the most perfunctory effort to humor my sexual needs. At the risk of appearing insensitive to your fragility at this time, I might suggest that you have all the sex appeal of a yam. A raw yam. Why did you always insist on wearing that terrible off-white bra with the underwire popping out of place? It didn't even work on a functional level. Not to mention the fact that most nights, you would come home with your breath reeking of exhaustion. Was that supposed to be a turn-on? I can assure you, it was not.
I know we will happily maintain a committed and caring friendship.
ME: I wish you the best. You will always be the father of my children, and we will continue to cooperate for the sake of our kids. The children are my top priority right now, and I know you feel the same way. I treasure the opportunity to maintain this caring partnership with you, provided that you remain outside the 50-mile radius of my home mandated by the state appellate court.
It is unfortunate that you feel the need to attack my intimate apparel, as though that somehow diminishes my womanliness and makes you more of a man. As if that somehow justified your complete inability to maintain or even achieve an erection unless you were watching that very first episode of American Idol, where everyone sings so horribly. I suppose it's easier for you to blame my underclothes than to confront your own incredibly twisted sepulcher of sexual confusion and degradation.
But I truly do look forward to sharing in the upbringing of our children with you. I know you will continue to be an important presence in the kids' lives.
HIM: You are an amazing, talented woman, and I will always hold you in the highest of warm regard.
I also wanted to congratulate you on your charming new profile on Match.com, which, of course, I and all of my co-workers have read. Would you agree that the photo is a bit misleading? I'm not sure I ever remember you at that weight. And your ad indicates that you've cultivated a very sudden taste for quality cinema. That's very interesting to me, since just last month you forced me to rent The Nutty Professor 2: The Klumps from Blockbuster. Seems to me you've always liked sequels of remakes of movies that were really shitty to begin with.
And I hardly think you have a case for keeping me from my children, you deluded shrew. Who do you think watched them the whole time you were drying out in that loony bin? It wasn't you, and it wasn't that fancy lawyer you hired to get your trashy restraining order.
So you can just eat me. This separation saddens me, but it is for the best.
ME: I look forward to focusing more on my career, and perhaps doing some traveling. My work has always been a source of inspiration and healing for me.
You should know that if that hatchet-faced skank you're fucking comes anywhere near my kids, I'm going to kill and eat your dog. He's actually better off dead than having to know what a disappointment you are.
We will get through this difficult, trying time, and I warmly look forward to cherishing a loving and respectful, amicable and friendly friendship. You fucking piece of shit.
HIM: I hope that people respect your deep need for warm privacy and amicable admiration as you continue to overcome your exhaustion. You crazy bitch. I have a deep, mutual love and respectful abiding friendship for you, based on extremely close privacy. Fuck you.
ME: You sad, lonely eunuch. The feeling is amicably, admiringly mutual.
- - - -
OTHER McSWEENEY'S FEATURES:
- - - -
The End of My Marriage, Rendered in the Elegant Phraseology of Celebrities By Jennifer Byrne
So You've Knocked Over a Row of a Motorcycle Gang's Motorcycles By Sarah Walker
We Guarantee You'll Love This Book
Mouthwash Commercials Taken to Their Logical Conclusion By Mike Richardson-Bryan
The Slow and Painful Collapse of a Relationship Over the Course of a Weeklong Vacation as Expressed by the Names Each Partner Gave Their Digital Photos Taken During Said Vacation By Matt Hulten
Red dot denotes content that is new today.
Black dot denotes newish content.