Working the Kidneys.BY JIM STALLARD- - - - To: Jeffrey Baldwin Jeff: I'm sorry if this assessment comes across a bit harsh, but after all, you did hire me to "shake things up," as you put it in your first e-mail. Nobody brings a professional ass-kicker like me aboard unless they have major concerns about their company. And after analyzing your operation, let me put it as bluntly as I can: Your business model is insane. Since the beginning, your operation has rigidly followed the same plan: Your point man identifies a target at a hotel bar, engages, and makes them compliant through the use of Rohypnol in their drink. The target is taken to a hotel room, the kidney is harvested, the donor is fitted with a drainage tube in their lower back and placed in a bathtub filled with ice, with a phone and instructions nearby to call 911 when they awaken. As you know, the company created incredible word-of-mouth buzz after just a few snatches. As an outsider, I can vouch for this—everyone I met, it seemed, knew someone who knew someone whose hairdresser, or son-in-law, or neighbor, had it happen to them. It was brilliant viral marketing, even if it occurred on its own. No wonder the organ trade was beating a path to your door. But instant success has its downside. You got on everyone's radar because no company had done anything like it. But nobody in the organization scrutinized the process closely or had the backbone to tell you when something is being run poorly. (I know how it is; nobody wants to spoil the party.) I guess that's where I come in. This procedure is plagued with inefficiencies at every step. It's no wonder KidneyNow is hemorrhaging money. And they all can be traced to a huge, fundamental flaw in your business model. But first, let's look at the specific problems:
Correcting these faults would help, but you could sweep most of them away with one decision. Let's talk about the elephant in the room, the big flaw that's ruining your business. Jeff, have you thought about, oh, I don't know, LETTING THE TARGET DIE? I'm pretty confident what you're doing is illegal in the first place. And yet you're spending time and money to keep these people alive, giving them a chance to ID your employees later. I confess, when I first heard of your operation, I thought it was one of those legends, because it didn't make any sense—the ice, the tube in the back, the phone, it all sounded ridiculous. But when your Houston team got busted (fingered by a target, of course), I realized it was for real. This can't work. I know it's hard to scrap an original model for doing things, especially one that gave such a jolt to the organ industry. You have an emotional attachment to it. You're also being held back (forgive me) by your patrician upbringing, which saddled you with that humane impulse. But it's time to let go if you want to continue chasing your dream. Do you really want to go back to working at McKinsey & Company? - - - - Jim Stallard's - - - - OTHER McSWEENEY'S FEATURES: - - - - Working the Kidneys By Jim StallardParallels Between My Living Through Two Years of Middle School and the Two Terms of the Bush Presidency By Teddy Wayne Let There Be Lite By Kevin Bolger Further Excerpts From the Diary of an Aspiring Death-Metal Frontman By Jesse Singal The End of My Marriage, Rendered in the Elegant Phraseology of Celebrities By Jennifer Byrne |
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