F R O M T H E A R C H I V E S
A WEDDING TOAST
BY KATIE HOLMES'S
FORMER BEST FRIEND.
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Well, um, hi, everybody. I'm Becky, Katie's oldest friend from Toledo. It's just so great to be here celebrating Katie and Tom's marriage. I mean, I can't believe it! Tom Cruise! I mean, I totally remember a picture of him she had hanging on her bedroom wall. Well, I guess it was more of a side-column interview next to this totally HOT feature on Brad Pitt, but whatever. Oh my God, we had such a crush on Brad! Do you remember that, Katie? Huh? Oh, right, I mean, yeah, it was a really long time ago.
And it's just so funny that you're marrying the guy from Risky Business. I mean, we didn't see it when it came out, being 5 and all, but we totally did rent the video. Or, actually, I think we tried to rent that Jared Leto movie—oh my God, Jordan Catalano!—but it was out or something at Blockbuster. And, well, I guess it was Mrs. Holmes who rented Risky Business, but we totally loved it! Remember, Katie, it had Balki in it but without that weird accent? Yeah, we laughed so hard about that.
So, anyway, I'm really honored to be here as part of Katie's wedding party. I've met so many great people. And I'm so looking forward to meeting Tom at some point. I mean, if he's anything like his publicist, I can just tell this is going to work out really well. And it was super great meeting Jessica Rodriguez, Katie's new best friend, maid of honor, and, uh, spiritual adviser? I mean, I don't remember Katie ever mentioning her before, but whatever. And, you know, the bachelorette party was pretty fun, I guess. Well, I really would have never thought of Clearwater, Florida—I actually thought South Beach would have been awesome—but I guess it wasn't so bad. Jessica said they had a great spa there and some really hot entertainment. And, while I haven't been to too many spa resorts, I guess I enjoyed the self-actualization seminars and sleep-deprivation games. And maybe the stripper did just get lost or something. Oh, well. Thanks again, Jessica!
And it's just really great about Katie's involvement with that Scientology thing. Hey, Katie, remember when we used to watch those dumb volcano commercials about it on TV? Huh? Well, um, we did. And it's just so funny that you're into something scientific, 'cause we were both, like, so bad at science. Remember that Bunsen burner incident in 10th-grade lab—so not my fault—and then you pretended to make out with that fetal pig? And now you're totally into science.
I mean, I should so become an Algebratologist or something. Huh? Oh, it's just a joke, Jessica, lighten up.
But anyway, Katie's been really great explaining Scientology to me. Oh, and you too, Jessica. What? No, Jessica, I don't need another stress-test pamphlet. Whatever. So, apparently, there are these things called thetans that live inside you like alien parts or
something and you try to, like, shed them. Well, let's just hope the cameras don't add 10 thetans or anything! Huh, what, Katie? Oh, it was too funny. Yeah, well, maybe Jessica just needs to chill out a bit.
Finally, again, I'd like to apologize for crying inappropriately at times during the ceremony. I've been off my meds for a few weeks and have had some trouble controlling my emotions lately. But I totally think you were right, Katie, and I'm really better off now. Yeah, it's just that at times I get a little dark. Oh, well. Hide the steak knives! Hahahahaha. I'm kidding. I guess.
So, a toast to the happy couple! Nanoo nanoo, or whatever you people say. OK, seriously, Jessica, get your hands off me. It's a wedding, just let it go.
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OTHER McSWEENEY'S FEATURES:
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A Wedding Toast by Katie Holmes's Former Best Friend By Jay Dyckman
Conversations I've Had During a Normal Day in Los Angeles, Modified to Include the Shocking Depiction of Racism Found in Paul Haggis's 2005 Film Crash By Brendon Lloyd
Fragments From Steroids! The Musical By Ben Greenman
A Serial Killer Explains the Distinctions Between Literary Terms By Charlie Anders
Public Service Announcement Revised By Dan Kennedy
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