THE SURREALIST
GOES TO THE STORE.
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Jimmy Stapleton woke up to the sound of his alarm. He reached out his arm and slammed his hand down upon his alarm, only to find that his alarm had been replaced with a watermelon. Disgusted by the watermelon juice on his hands, he got out of his bed and walked over to his bathroom. Unfortunately, his floor was now made out of marshmallow, hindering his walking ability, as with each step his legs plunged deeper into the sugary white abyss.
Jimmy knocked aside the vultures swarming over his head, and stretched his arms to try and grasp the phantom arms jutting out from inside his bathroom. It started to rain blood from his ceiling, and Jimmy Stapleton thought this would be the end. Fortunately, he managed to get hold of one of his bathroom's arms and made it safely into the lavatory.
The flowers were in full bloom in the bathroom, soaring 50 feet into the sky and staring down at Jimmy with their loving, affectionate faces. Jimmy washed the watermelon off his hands with the fuchsia water coming from his pineapple faucet, and then he climbed in his golden chariot pulled by four mighty grizzly bears, and headed into the kitchen for breakfast.
He opened the refrigerator door, only to find the very realms of Hell located entirely within his refrigerator. "Do you have any milk, Hell spawn?" he asked. "No, we're out, sorry," a minion of Hell replied in a deep, growling voice. Jimmy was disappointed. Before he could enjoy his cereal, he would have to go to the store to buy milk. He put on his licorice shoes and tried to open his front door, only to have it melt before his very eyes.
The sky was a lovely orange color and it was raining from the ground up. "Looks like I'll have to drive," Jimmy remarked to himself. However, before he could get into his car, it spontaneously burst into flame. Jimmy's car emitted a horrific scream and sped away, leaving Jimmy to walk to the store to get his milk.
The buildings turned into ice cream, which soon melted under the heat of the deep-blue sun, which was now resting 74 feet from the surface of the Earth. The townspeople were very disappointed as they watched their houses and places of business melt into ice-cream soup. They yelled in anger at Jimmy. Some of them melted, while others turned into various 15th-century English noblemen.
Bombarded by the taunts of these noblemen, Jimmy took off running through the streets (which, by the way, were made out of rice cakes), trying to get to the store before he was killed by the angry mob. As fate would have it, Jimmy managed to grow wings and flew away to safety while the angry mob threw tomatoes at him and stroked their mustaches in an ornery fashion.
Jimmy was finally in front of the store. He had escaped certain surrealistic death and made it to the store to buy milk for him and his Hell-spawn buddies who reside in his fridge. Suddenly, without warning, up from the street rose the gigantic head of former Vice President Spiro T. Agnew. The head roared a mighty roar and threatened to eat poor Jimmy right then and there. Jimmy was horrified! All he wanted was to eat cereal in a 400-foot-tall gazebo made from woven tapestries. Jimmy thought he was doomed. Then he remembered: He's a surrealist! Jimmy then wished he were back at his house with a gallon of milk, and it was so. He sat down at his table made of romaine lettuce and had himself a nice bowl of cereal. It was a good day for Jimmy Stapleton.
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OTHER McSWEENEY'S FEATURES:
- - - -
The Surrealist Goes to the Store By Chris Morgan
My Observational Comedy Bits That Continually Bomb in Comedy Clubs By Dan Kennedy
Foreword for the Yet Unwritten Book Leah Is a Delicate F*#%ing Flower by an Emotionally Unstable Person With Rage Issues By Susan Morton
Career Days By Mike Richardson-Bryan
But I'd Really Have to Kill You By Jeff Drake
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