THE CALLS
OF CTHULHU.
- - - -
Call No. 1
(Phone rings.)
CTHULHU: Hello?
SOLICITOR: Hello, Mr. Cthulhu?
CTHULHU: Yes?
SOLICITOR: Do you have good car insurance?
CTHULHU: I am an Elder God of the Damned. I don't need that simplistic mode of transportation.
SOLICITOR: Well, I understand that you, as an elderly person, must pay a high premium.
CTHULHU: Cthulhu does not pay for anything.
SOLICITOR: I am sure that living on a fixed income can make affording good car insurance a difficulty. What if I told you that I could save you a minimum of 25 percent on your yearly premium?
CTHULHU: I hate human scum like you. You know, I could transport myself through this phone line and reveal myself in all of my horrible grandeur—causing you to live in a world of constant nightmares. You would pray for a swift death at my hands.
SOLICITOR: OK, OK. What about life insurance?
CTHULHU: ... No thanks. (Hangs up.) Arrgh!
Call No. 2
PIZZA DELIVERY SERVICE: Hello, Salvatore's Pizza Palace. How can I help you?
CTHULHU: I would like a Meat Lover's Pizza, delivered to 235 Main St., Arkham.
PIZZA DELIVERY SERVICE: I'm sorry. We don't deliver to Arkham.
CTHULHU: R'lyeh! I am one of the Great Old Ones. I am from the ancient primordial depths, and the sheer sight of me would strike such fear that you would find yourself in a nightmarish psychotic stupor for the rest of your life.
PIZZA DELIVERY SERVICE: Oh, yeah, buddy? How about my brother Vic going over there and breaking each of your fingers one by one while your family watches? See if that doesn't strike fear in you.
CTHULHU: Arrgh! ... Do I get a discount if I pick it up?
Call No. 3
(Phone rings.)
YOUNG MALE VOICE: Hello, is Spaghetti Face there? (Laughter in background.)
CTHULHU: How dare you disparage the mighty visage of Cthulhu! I have lived ages beyond the time of men. My horrible beauty is one to be worshipped ... Besides, they're feelers, not spaghetti—
YOUNG MALE VOICE: Hey, would you like an omelet to go with your pasta?
CTHULHU: Grrr! You stupid Callahan kids—you're the ones who egged my house last Halloween, aren't you? I ought to kill you—
YOUNG MALE VOICE: You and what army?
CTHULHU: I don't need an army. One look at me and—
YOUNG MALE VOICE: And everyone runs away, you're so ugly, Spaghetti Face ...
(CTHULHU hangs up. CTHULHU sighs deeply.)
Call No. 4
PHONE COMPANY: Hello, you have reached the Arkham Phone Company. Our goal is to make your phone service the best. If you have a question about your service, press 1. If you wish to change or cancel your service, press 2.
(CTHULHU presses 2.)
PHONE COMPANY: If you wish to change your service, press 1. If you wish to cancel your service, press 2.
(CTHULHU presses 2.)
PHONE COMPANY: Please stay on the line while we connect you to an operator.
(CTHULHU waits.)
PHONE COMPANY: Hello, you have reached the Arkham Phone Company. Our goal is to make your phone service the best ...
(CTHULHU hangs up. CTHULHU quietly weeps.)
Call No. 136 (One Month Later)
(Phone rings.)
CTHULHU: Hello?
SOLICITOR: Do you currently have a subscription to TV Guide?
CTHULHU: I'll take it!
SOLICITOR: Uh, all right. But don't you even want to hear about our subscription rates?
CTHULHU: I am ready to do your bidding. I will pay whatever you request. Whatever the Phone-Master wants ... just don't hurt me.
SOLICITOR: OK. Well, our current rate is $50 a year. Do I have your permission to bill you and start your subscription?
CTHULHU: Yes, sir.
SOLICITOR: Thank you.
(CTHULHU hangs up. CTHULHU sits and stares at the small black phone, awaiting its next instructions.)
- - - -
OTHER McSWEENEY'S FEATURES:
- - - -
The Calls of Cthulhu By Russell Bradbury-Carlin
The Surrealist Goes to the Store By Chris Morgan
My Observational Comedy Bits That Continually Bomb in Comedy Clubs By Dan Kennedy
Foreword for the Yet Unwritten Book Leah Is a Delicate F*#%ing Flower by an Emotionally Unstable Person With Rage Issues By Susan Morton
Career Days By Mike Richardson-Bryan
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