POSSIBLE "SURPRISE"
ENDINGS TO THE NEW
SAMUEL L. JACKSON FILM
SNAKES ON A PLANE.
- - - -
Scenario One
Samuel L. Jackson discovers a new superbreed of snake, developed by the United States military, on board the plane. Quickly realizing that this snake could destroy the world, and knowing he would rather die than risk bringing this monster to the mainland, he decides to crash the plane into an offshore nitroglycerin plant.
Scenario Two
After single-handedly killing all snakes on board and landing the plane, Jackson steps onto the tarmac and removes his trench coat only to reveal that he is, in fact, made entirely out of snakes.
Scenario Three
While on the bus ride home from the airport, Jackson notices the bus driver seems nervous. The driver informs him that if the bus goes slower than 55 mph, snakes will drop from the ceiling. Samuel looks directly at the camera and says, "Here we go again!"
Scenario Four
As the plane is landing, Samuel Jackson is battling the last snake on the plane: a giant anaconda named Nancy. When he is about to let Nancy live by trapping her in a large duffle bag, he notices his father's wristwatch around her neck. Realizing that this
is the snake that killed the man who raised him, Sam entangles Nancy's tail in the landing gear, simultaneously puréeing the beast and attaining the vengeance he has sought since age 13.
Scenario Five
All the snakes on the plane have been killed, and the only thing left to do is land the plane. That is, of course, until an Arabic man strapped with C4 explosives says he is going to crash the plane into the Golden Gate Bridge. Knowing he would rather die than risk bringing this monster to the mainland, Samuel L. Jackson decides to crash the plane into an offshore nitroglycerin plant. Unfortunately, the resulting explosion from the plane, terrorist, and nitroglycerin combo creates a tidal wave that destroys San Francisco. The Golden Gate Bridge stands, however, and is renamed the Jackson Bridge.
- - - -
OTHER McSWEENEY'S FEATURES:
- - - -
Possible "Surprise" Endings to the New Samuel L. Jackson Film Snakes on a Plane By Marc Keinath and Kyle Nuske
A Mother Takes Over Amazon Customer Service By Nathaniel Missildine
Concerning Jon Bon Jovi, Wanted Dead or Alive By John Moe
An Art-History Professor Explains to His 4-Year-Old Daughter Why the Fair Market Value of Her Picture Is Actually Far Less Than That of a Thousand Words By Ethan Ryan
A Rejected Submission to NPR's "This I Believe" By Rachel Proctor May
Red dot denotes content that is new today.
Black dot denotes newish content.