WEIGHT GAIN,
NEGLECTED NECKS,
AND OTHER SLEEPING-POSE ADVICE.
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Introducing the Sleep-Pose Expert Advice column, featuring the
insights and recommendations of Evany Thomas, author of
McSweeney's latest Irregulars release, The Secret Language of Sleep: A Couple's Guide to the Thirty-Nine Positions, which, for the rest of the week, will be 20 percent off.
Q (from Jesse in Casper, WY): Ever since my partner and I switched
to the Tandem Cycle pose, I've noticed that my clothing no longer fits properly. Is this cause for concern?
A: If you find that you are eating with more frequency and in bigger portions than ever before (and I think you are), this is a sure sign that you and your partner have selected the wrong sleeping pose. A poorly matched position will trigger feelings of sadness, hunger, and regret, and can often lead to inner-ear confusion. And rather than simply altering their pose, too many sleepers make the mistake of using food as ballast for their upset balance and feelings.
I suggest you spend the next few weeks exploring a sampling of poses from each of the four Comfort Zones (Sun, Wind, Sea, and Wood). Keep a detailed diary of the emotions and cravings that come up with each pose (for the first night of a pose, it may be necessary to wake and record your reactions at hourly intervals). A tailor's tape measure (to track the effects each pose has on your biceps, thighs, neck, and waist) and a ceiling-mounted camera with time-lapse functionality (to photograph your progress throughout the night) may also be helpful.
Once you establish the Zone that most satisfies you and your mate, focus on locating your precise position. It might take a few months to explore all the poses in your Zone, but you'll know you've found what you're looking for when your dreams finally fill
with the pudding and cheeses that once filled your mouth.
Q (from "sparklejimmies" in Toronto): I've just started dating an attentive, attractive catch of a man, but there's a problem: He's a close sleeper, I'm a separate sleeper. Is there some way I can get the space I need without leaving my new love interest feeling rejected and unattractive? Or is this a true deal breaker?
A: While some of the more difficult sleep pairings sometimes do end badly (a Bread
and Spreader combined with a Cliffhanger is a particularly unfortunate mix), I believe the situation you describe has a solution: it's called the Tetherball pose, and it's saved many couples in just your predicament. Try it tonight, or even this afternoon. I think you'll enjoy the freedom
of nocturnal movement that it provides the "Pole" (you) while leaving the "Ball" (your mate) feeling reassured and adequately warmed. You might even find that the pose's innate sense of compromise spills over into other areas of your life, drastically
reducing the number of "funnel cakes vs. churros" and "Adam Ant: Short or Huge?" battles that plague so many couples.
Q (from Marion in Walnut Creek, CA): My wife and I are longtime Swan with Two Necks sleepers, and we were both boggled to discover that our pose was somehow not included in your Guide. Is there an explanation for this oversight?
A: The Swan with Two Necks is indeed a popular pose, especially among creative types (singing songwriters, large-scale puppeteers, alcoholics), and it reportedly inspired the designers behind the stunning animal costumery of the televised New Zoo Revue. Yet, despite its many creative contributions and its numerically significant following, the Two Necks pose still continues to get passed over.
One reason the position has gone so long without achieving official status is its followers, who by nature have little need for approval, official or otherwise. They prefer to spend their time and resources on pleasuring their senses; the discovery of a
design-conscious dish drain or a sublimely proportionate ankle matters far more to Necks than any regulatory acknowledgment ever could. So, while more-driven sleepers (e.g., Toboggans) do whatever it takes—lobbying, politicking, selling off-brand chocolate bars—to earn their pose an endorsement, the Necks sleepers continue to languish.
Another setback is that no one can agree on the classification of the pose itself. The Swan with Two Necks features the same front-to-front symmetry as the Colon,
along with perfectly mirrored arm extension (the inspiration for
the eponymous "necks" of the pose), which some argue is enough to
classify it as one of the reflective Sea Sleeper poses. Others insist that the ligature-style intermingling of the legs, which evokes the tucked coziness of both Excalibur and Pinching Koala and Tree, proves that the Necks pose is part of the Wind Sleeper family. The debate has raged for generations; meanwhile, many a lesser pose advanced on to official Sleeping Position status.
Certainly, official recognition for the Swan with Two Necks is long overdue. But with strong contenders such as the Baby Grand pose (a favorite among "hip hopera" composers) and the Tum Tugger pose (the chosen position of Olympic and Broadway hopefuls) also jockeying for "40th Position" honors, I'm afraid that the future of the great Necks pose, and that of the many underachieving sensualists who love it, continues to look murky.
If you're struggling with the stance, dietary constraints, or implications of a pose, or if you're in need of expert advice about a sleep-related career, relationship, health, or automotive issue, please send your questions and concerns for consideration in an upcoming Sleep-Pose Expert Advice column.
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OTHER McSWEENEY'S FEATURES:
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Weight Gain, Neglected Necks, and Other Sleeping-Pose Advice
Possible "Surprise" Endings to the New Samuel L. Jackson Film Snakes on a Plane By Marc Keinath and Kyle Nuske
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Concerning Jon Bon Jovi, Wanted Dead or Alive By John Moe
An Art-History Professor Explains to His 4-Year-Old Daughter Why the Fair Market Value of Her Picture Is Actually Far Less Than That of a Thousand Words By Ethan Ryan
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