I'M A LITTLE UNNERVED BY MY EHARMONY PROFILE. BY JIM STALLARD - - - - You are not typically a "wallflower." In social settings, you often make valuable contributions to discussions. Others appreciate how your inappropriate comments give them a feeling of solidarity with one another. People who do not know you well sometimes consider you "aloof" until they realize you are simply boring. Your conduct and achievements are instructive to others. Parents tend to point to you as an example when cautioning their children. You move through life confidently, seldom allowing errors or slip-ups to cramp your style. But when you broke the lid of that ceramic thing at Pottery Barn last week and just walked away, the guy working there totally saw you. You have an optimistic "glass-half-filled" outlook on life. This often causes you moments of humiliation before attractive barmaids merely seeking a good tip. You don't like leaving things half finished, preferring instead to see Full House episodes through to completion before taking on something else. You prefer to handle disagreements with others by breaking down into sobs until they edge away, embarrassed that a grown male would act like that. You tend to be drawn to women who look vaguely like Anita Halloran from junior high. Unfortunately, unlike Anita, none of them are going to go out with you as part of a dare from their friends. Your ideal mate will be someone who appreciates your youthful salary and relaxed, easygoing approach to hygiene. People secretly mock the pretentious way you pronounce "penchant." You sometimes run like a girl when you're jogging. You're going to die on August 7, 2038. - - - - Jim Stallard's Other Features. - - - - OTHER McSWEENEY'S FEATURES: - - - - I'm a Little Unnerved by My eHarmony Profile By Jim Stallard Six Inspirational Sayings I've Yet to Find on the Side of a Box of Tea By Dan Kennedy When You Are the Fourth Consecutive Person to Ask for Money on the Subway, You Have to Bring It By Michael Patrick Signorelli Public Service Announcement Paid for by the People for Electing Criss Angel, Mindfreak, in 2008's Presidential Election By Matt Christoph My Helpful Tips for Fighting and Winning the War on Easter By J. Chris Rock

- - - - MAIN PAGE   |   ARCHIVES   Memories of Amanda Davis   Red dot denotes content that is new today. Black dot denotes newish content. McSWEENEY'S STORE SUBSCRIBE TO: McSWEENEY'S THE BELIEVER WHOLPHIN FUTURE McSWEENEY'S BOOKS THE AMANDA DAVIS HIGHWIRE FICTION AWARD INVITE A McSWEENEY'S AUTHOR TO SPEAK IN YOUR TOWN OR COLLEGE McSWEENEY'S MONTHLY MAILING LIST McSWEENEY'S-RELATED EVENTS AND VARIOUS TOUR DATES ORDER INQUIRIES AND ADDRESS CHANGES SUBMISSION GUIDELINES: FOR BOOKS FOR THE QUARTERLY FOR THE WEBSITE FOR WHOLPHIN McSWEENEY'S INTERNSHIPS CONTACT US - - - - LETTERS TO McSWEENEY'S LISTS McSWEENEY'S PREDICTS McSWEENEY'S RECOMMENDS NEW WHOLPHIN FILM DAN LIEBERT, VERBAL CARTOONIST JOKES BY BRIAN BEATTY REVIEWS OF NEW FOOD DISPATCHES FROM MOSCOW SO YOU WANT TO BE PRESIDENT? DISPATCHES FROM THE ANACOSTIA THE WINNER'S CIRCLE WITH ERIC FEEZELL BEN GREENMAN'S FAKE CELEBRITY MUSICALS DISPATCHES FROM A HUMANITARIAN JOURNALIST DISPATCHES FROM IRAQ SHORT IMAGINED MONOLOGUES PHILIP GRAHAM SPENDS A YEAR IN LISBON STAINED TEETH: A COLUMN ABOUT WINE DISPATCHES FROM THE NAPOLEONIC WARS AT THE MET KEVIN DOLGIN TELLS YOU ABOUT PLACES YOU SHOULD GO IN EUROPE SONGS OF ENEMIES AND DESERTS: LIVING WITH THE SUDAN LIBERATION ARMY LAWRENCE WESCHLER'S EVERYTHING THAT RISES: A BOOK OF CONVERGENCES THE CONVERGENCES CONTEST ABOUT WHAT IS THE WHAT ABOUT BOWL OF CHERRIES ABOUT COMEDY BY THE NUMBERS ABOUT JOHN BRANDON'S ARKANSAS ABOUT MICHAEL CHABON'S MAPS AND LEGENDS ABOUT UNDERGROUND AMERICA LETTERS FROM AN EARTH BALL TO, OR CONCERNING, SEAN HANNITY DISPATCHES FROM ADJUNCT FACULTY AT A LARGE STATE UNIVERSITY ADVICE FROM A PERSON WITH A BACHELOR'S DEGREE IN PSYCHOLOGY DISPATCHES FROM THE NBA ENTERTAINMENT LEAGUE JOHN MOE'S POP-SONG CORRESPONDENCES B.R. COHEN'S ANNALS OF SCIENCE INTERVIEWS WITH PEOPLE WHO HAVE INTERESTING OR UNUSUAL JOBS OPEN LETTERS TO PEOPLE OR ENTITIES WHO ARE UNLIKELY TO RESPOND DISPATCHES FROM A PUBLIC LIBRARIAN MICHAEL IAN BLACK IS A VERY FAMOUS CELEBRITY DISPATCHES FROM ROY KESEY, AN AMERICAN GUY MARRIED TO A PERUVIAN DIPLOMAT LIVING IN CHINA STEPHEN ELLIOTT'S POKER REPORT - - - - ADDITIONAL MATERIAL