LADY MACBETH
ON AMBIEN.
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Dunsinane. Anteroom in the castle.
Enter a DOCTOR OF PHYSIC
and a WAITING GENTLEWOMAN.
GENTLEWOMAN: Two nights have I seen her rise from her bed, throw her nightgown upon her, and proceed in slumbery agitation to the kitchen, where she did claw through the pantry in the slobbering manner of a wild beast.
DOCTOR: 'Tis passing strange, for I did minister to her with Ambien, that some call zolpidem tartrate, which vouchsafes eight hours of uninterrupted sleep—great nature's second course, chief nourisher in life's feast.
GENTLEWOMAN: She seeks other nourishment; two nights past she ate an ox. Lo you, here she comes! (Enter Lady Macbeth wearing a lobster bib.) This is her very guise, and, upon my life, fast asleep.
DOCTOR: What is it she does now? See how she rubs her hands, in the manner of one washing.
GENTLEWOMAN: 'Tis her custom to wash before a meal.
DOCTOR: Still she rubs her hands, and smacks her lips also, as one who anticipates a prolonged graze at a smorgasbord.
GENTLEWOMAN: Zounds! With what unnatural fury does she fly at the larder! Her hands like talons do tear at the contents! See how victuals fly in all directions!
DOCTOR: With both hands she scoops up comestibles of every variety and with gusto shoves them in her cakehole!
LADY MACBETH: Num-num ... num-num ...
DOCTOR: Hark! She speaks. And with her mouth full too.
GENTLEWOMAN: She doth ingest in a manner gross and vile. Thus have I known swine to feed.
DOCTOR: In sooth, her behavior is very like the swine, for mark you, she is down on all fours and squealing. What! She means to challenge the family dog for possession of the bones that are the detritus of the evening repast.
LADY MACBETH: Out, damned Spot! Out, I say!
DOCTOR: Indeed, note how, with teeth bared, she bids the dog retire.
GENTLEWOMAN: With what vigor does she suck the marrow! Ne'er have I seen this good and noble lady tie on the feedbag so.
DOCTOR: Now does she rummage in King Duncan's private stores, and without hesitation scarf his favorite delicacy!
LADY MACBETH: Yet who would have thought the old man to have had so much blood pudding? (She burps.)
DOCTOR: What a belch is there! The heart is sorely burned.
GENTLEWOMAN: Methinks the lady doth ingest too much. Now are the cupboards bare, and all the food consumed; yet see how she still comes looking for seconds. She hath a lean and hungry look.
DOCTOR: Well, hungry anyway.
LADY MACBETH: Mickey D's! (Exit.)
GENTLEWOMAN: Haste! She makes for the castle of McDonald, the thane whose kitchen is celebrated for its tasty offerings and swift service.
DOCTOR: He whose crest bears the golden arches? But surely the household will be abed at such an hour.
GENTLEWOMAN: The drive-thru is open 'til midnight. Come!
Exeunt.
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