REINVENTING
THE MOJITO.
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Sumojito
Attractive twentysomethings cheer while watching a Japanese sumo match. The girls wear crazy-weird barrettes and Sanrio crop tops. Guys have faux-hawks, chain wallets. All drink sumojitos instead of boring sake. A blonde from the group suddenly downs her sumojito, strips to her bikini, and runs into the ring. She chest-butts both sumo wrestlers and knocks them flat. She wins! Her friends cheer and the older Japanese people grumble in disgust.
Eskimojito
Fit adventuresome types in the 18-29 demo drive competing dogsleds: girls against guys. Girls are losing to the guys until girls open their thermoses and drink Eskimojitos. Girls take off parkas and underneath they wear bikinis, and furry boots. They pass under a banner that reads "Iditarod Finish"! Girls fall on the ground and make snow angels! Dogs romp. Guys smirk in annoyance but join in. Decrepit Inuits look on, shrugging at each other.
Duomojito
Good-looking, athletic, college backpacking guys tour Florence cathedral frescoes. They are bored, but then they look closer at the frescoes and see girls in bikinis. Hey, they didn't learn this in art history! The girls suddenly come to life and step out of the wall and hand the guys Duomojitos. They look back at the fresco and there is Death with his scythe and he is drinking the competitor's brand! And he is trapped in the fresco! Death mutters something bitter under his breath.
Alamojito
Two groups of stone-cold barely twentysomething foxes in bikinis are about to face off in battle at a Texas fort. Group A wears holsters and cowgirl hats. Group B sports bandoliers and sombreros. Lots of tension: the fight is to the death. Girls on fort walls fire a cannon and it is full of Alamojito! It drenches all of them. It happens again! Soon, they are all soaking wet and hugging and so happy that they decide to have a barbecue. Davy Crockett and General Santa Anna walk up and shake their heads in bemusement.
Pianissimojito
Totally hot Russian chick plays piano in a bikini, but this time she's wearing a black bow tie. She's playing "Chopsticks" way too loudly and with no sensitivity, until she drinks a pianissimojito, and then she switches to a complicated Rachmaninoff concerto and starts laying down allegros with quiet control. Entire orchestra of girls in bikinis and bow ties appears, all playing complex arrangements but in barely a whisper. Vladimir Horowitz materializes from the spirit world and cocks his head to the side, puzzled.
Geronimojito
Skydiving team of girls in bikinis jumps out of an airplane. They also wear helmets! They hold hands and form the outline of the Bacardi logo. But then they realize they forgot their parachutes. Oh, no! This is going to be bad. But they land in a lake of Geronimojito! We know because a giant bottle of Bacardi lies tipped over, along with lime, sugar, and other ingredients, and it's all pouring into the lake. God's face appears in a cloud, and he knits his brow in an expression that says, "What the heck?"
Memojito
Career girls, just over intern age, sit in a corporate conference room wearing suits. Bored. Disaffected. Very absurdist, like Office Space. They drink memojitos, and suddenly they take off their suits and underneath are bikinis. They run to the roof, burn spreadsheets, and lie out. Their middle-aged female boss tells them to get back to work. They run toward her, screaming, "Judgmental feminist bitch!" and push her off the roof. As she falls 40 stories, she folds her arms across her chest and rolls her eyes in annoyance.
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OTHER McSWEENEY'S FEATURES:
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Reinventing the Mojito By Kate Hahn
Critter Corner With Lincoln Michel, Former Veterinary Assistant By Lincoln Michel
Old Jokes, Updated to Make Them Even Older By Matt Loker
Issue 19, Available Now, in What Appears to Be a Cigar Box
Scott McClellan's Replacement: AOL Instant Messenger Bot SmarterChild By Michael Patrick Brady
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