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Now available for preorder:
The San Francisco Panorama.

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FURTHER EVIDENCE THAT SPORTSCENTER HAS LOST ALL CONNECTION TO REALITY. BY BEN STEELE - - - - (Sunday, April 16—11:04 p.m.) SCOTT VAN PELT: Suns in the land of La to take on La Lakers ... STUART SCOTT: K-Jab(bar) in tha hizouse! VAN PELT: And Paris Hilton using the front row like her own personal hotel room. SCOTT: Lounging! Just like MV'04-'05P, Steve Nash "Bridges" of Raja Bell County. VAN PELT: "Hello, room service ... One hamburger, please!" SCOTT: Numero ocho with the ba-dunka-dunk! VAN PELT: Your paltry laws of gravity have no bearing on my will! SCOTT: (Growling.) You gotta rise up! Easter-style! VAN PELT: Second quarter, Kobe from the 714 for 3 of his Jackie Robinson-plus-1. SCOTT: Can I get a witness? VAN PELT: Hallelujah! SCOTT: My man Beef is ri-donkey-li-ous! And ri-dunk-ulous! VAN PELT: Extending his team record for dropping middle-aged-plus to 25 games. SCOTT: The Showtimes up big at the half and Phil Jackson's all, "It's time for a little Zen and the art of leading-by-21 maintenance." VAN PELT: Make it a Big Gulp! SCOTT: Bingo! VAN PELT: Boris Diaw drives the lane moving so fast that, were he to have a twin sitting at half court, when he returned from his trip to the basket, his twin would have aged several years, while Boris himself would appear to have aged not at all. SCOTT: Boom-chicka-rocka-chicka-rocka-chick-boom! VAN PELT: Shawn Marion declares, "Bow before the Third Earl of Fenimore!" with a shot from the corner that comes up short. SCOTT: (Singing.) I am Iron Man ... VAN PELT: When light bends as it hits water, it's called refraction! SCOTT: (Screaming.) AHHHHHHHHHH! RAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! VAN PELT: Potato! Potahto! SCOTT: LaLa-ers are playoff-bound for the first time since Usher opined ... (Singing.) But you know gotta let it go, cuz the party ain't jumpin' like it used to. Even though this might ruin you, let it burn, let it burn! VAN PELT: Gotta let it burn. SCOTT: Chaka Khan! VAN PELT: Frankincense and myrrh. - - - - OTHER McSWEENEY'S FEATURES: - - - - Further Evidence That SportsCenter Has Lost All Connection to Reality By Ben Steele Feedback From James Joyce's Submission of Ulysses to His Creative-Writing Workshop By Teddy Wayne Thanks for the Intervention By Jay Dyckman Cookie Monster Searches Deep Within Himself and Asks: Is Me Really Monster? By Andy F. Bryan Thirteen Writing Prompts By Dan Wiencek

- - - - MAIN PAGE | ARCHIVES Memories of Amanda Davis Red dot denotes content that is new today. Black dot denotes newish content. McSWEENEY'S STORE SUBSCRIBE TO: McSWEENEY'S THE BELIEVER WHOLPHIN FUTURE McSWEENEY'S BOOKS THE AMANDA DAVIS HIGHWIRE FICTION AWARD INVITE A McSWEENEY'S AUTHOR TO SPEAK IN YOUR TOWN OR COLLEGE THE BEST AMERICAN NONREQUIRED READING McSWEENEY'S MONTHLY MAILING LIST BOOKSTORES WITH A McSWEENEY'S DISPLAY McSWEENEY'S-RELATED EVENTS AND VARIOUS TOUR DATES ORDER INQUIRIES AND ADDRESS CHANGES SUBMISSION GUIDELINES: FOR BOOKS FOR THE QUARTERLY FOR THE WEBSITE FOR WHOLPHIN McSWEENEY'S INTERNSHIPS CONTACT US - - - - LETTERS TO McSWEENEY'S LISTS McSWEENEY'S RECOMMENDS REVIEWS OF NEW FOOD NEW WHOLPHIN FILM DAN LIEBERT, VERBAL CARTOONIST TEDDY WAYNE'S UNPOPULAR PROVERBS NON-ESSENTIAL MNEMONICS BITCHSLAP: A COLUMN ABOUT WOMEN AND FIGHTING DISPATCHES FROM A GUY TRYING UNSUCCESSFULLY TO SELL A SONG IN NASHVILLE GLOBAL WAR ON BEDBUGS: LETTERS FROM BEDBUG CITY THE CONFLICTED EXISTENCE OF A FEMALE PORN WRITER OH MY GAWD: A COLUMN ABOUT A TEENAGER NAVIGATING RELIGION DISPATCHES FROM MANILA DISPATCHES FROM AN INDIAN CASINO THE CONVERGENCES CONTEST CHRIS WHITE ANSWERS PROFOUND QUESTIONS ABOUT THE PRESIDENTS REPORTS FROM THE PINBALL SCENE LETTERS FROM THE HELLBOX NOTES FROM AN AMATEUR SPECTATOR AT AMATEUR MIXED MARTIAL ARTS FIGHTS B.R. COHEN'S DAYS AT THE MUSEUM CONVERSATIONS AT A WARTIME CAFÉ AND HERE'S THE KICKER: MIKE SACKS'S CONVERSATIONS WITH HUMOR WRITERS GRANT MUNROE'S CORPORATE FOLKTALES SARAH WALKER SHOWS YOU HOW DISPATCHES FROM AN ENVIRONMENTAL LAWYER WHO IS TRYING TO GROW A MUSTACHE DISPATCHES FROM A HANGDOG BANKRUPT DISPATCHES FROM THE CAPITAL DISPATCHES FROM INDIA THE WINNER'S CIRCLE WITH ERIC FEEZELL SEAN MICHAELS LISTENS TO MUSIC IN MONTREAL SHORT IMAGINED MONOLOGUES KIDS' LETTERS TO PRESIDENT OBAMA STAINED TEETH: A COLUMN ABOUT WINE YOUR MONEY, YOUR JOB ... YOUR LIFE, WITH ALISON ROSEN KEVIN DOLGIN TELLS YOU ABOUT PLACES YOU SHOULD GO IN EUROPE ABOUT THE WILD THINGS ABOUT THE CONVALESCENT ABOUT FEVER CHART ABOUT GOD SAYS NO ABOUT ZEITOUN LETTERS FROM AN EARTH BALL TO, OR CONCERNING, SEAN HANNITY E-MAILS SENT TO THE UNIVERSITY OF ALABAMA ENGLISH DEPARTMENT FLAG-FOOTBALL TEAM TRAVELING EUROPE IN STYLE WITH AUCKLAND DINGIROO, DARK-AGE TOURIST AND CRITIC OF FOOD AND DRINK JOHN MOE'S POP-SONG CORRESPONDENCES INTERVIEWS WITH PEOPLE WHO HAVE INTERESTING OR UNUSUAL JOBS FLIP: A COLUMN ABOUT SKATEBOARDING OPEN LETTERS TO PEOPLE OR ENTITIES WHO ARE UNLIKELY TO RESPOND DISPATCHES FROM A PUBLIC LIBRARIAN MICHAEL IAN BLACK IS A VERY FAMOUS CELEBRITY DAN KENNEDY SOLVES YOUR PROBLEMS WITH PAPER STEPHEN ELLIOTT'S POKER REPORT - - - - ADDITIONAL MATERIAL