Perfect for Mother's Day: the Baby Be of Use series or The Secret Language of Sleep. - - - -

FURTHER EVIDENCE THAT SPORTSCENTER HAS LOST ALL CONNECTION TO REALITY. BY BEN STEELE - - - - (Sunday, April 16—11:04 p.m.) SCOTT VAN PELT: Suns in the land of La to take on La Lakers ... STUART SCOTT: K-Jab(bar) in tha hizouse! VAN PELT: And Paris Hilton using the front row like her own personal hotel room. SCOTT: Lounging! Just like MV'04-'05P, Steve Nash "Bridges" of Raja Bell County. VAN PELT: "Hello, room service ... One hamburger, please!" SCOTT: Numero ocho with the ba-dunka-dunk! VAN PELT: Your paltry laws of gravity have no bearing on my will! SCOTT: (Growling.) You gotta rise up! Easter-style! VAN PELT: Second quarter, Kobe from the 714 for 3 of his Jackie Robinson-plus-1. SCOTT: Can I get a witness? VAN PELT: Hallelujah! SCOTT: My man Beef is ri-donkey-li-ous! And ri-dunk-ulous! VAN PELT: Extending his team record for dropping middle-aged-plus to 25 games. SCOTT: The Showtimes up big at the half and Phil Jackson's all, "It's time for a little Zen and the art of leading-by-21 maintenance." VAN PELT: Make it a Big Gulp! SCOTT: Bingo! VAN PELT: Boris Diaw drives the lane moving so fast that, were he to have a twin sitting at half court, when he returned from his trip to the basket, his twin would have aged several years, while Boris himself would appear to have aged not at all. SCOTT: Boom-chicka-rocka-chicka-rocka-chick-boom! VAN PELT: Shawn Marion declares, "Bow before the Third Earl of Fenimore!" with a shot from the corner that comes up short. SCOTT: (Singing.) I am Iron Man ... VAN PELT: When light bends as it hits water, it's called refraction! SCOTT: (Screaming.) AHHHHHHHHHH! RAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! VAN PELT: Potato! Potahto! SCOTT: LaLa-ers are playoff-bound for the first time since Usher opined ... (Singing.) But you know gotta let it go, cuz the party ain't jumpin' like it used to. Even though this might ruin you, let it burn, let it burn! VAN PELT: Gotta let it burn. SCOTT: Chaka Khan! VAN PELT: Frankincense and myrrh. - - - - OTHER McSWEENEY'S FEATURES: - - - - Further Evidence That SportsCenter Has Lost All Connection to Reality By Ben Steele Feedback From James Joyce's Submission of Ulysses to His Creative-Writing Workshop By Teddy Wayne Thanks for the Intervention By Jay Dyckman Cookie Monster Searches Deep Within Himself and Asks: Is Me Really Monster? By Andy F. Bryan Thirteen Writing Prompts By Dan Wiencek

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