DAVID CARUSO
SCOLDS HIS CAT ABOUT
ITS LACKADAISICAL
LITTER-BOX USE.
- - - -
Now, Bosco. You know what you did was wrong. What you did was improper. It was inconsiderate. But you didn't think about that, did you? You thought you could get away with it. But you forgot the most important thing. You forgot that the only thing that matters is evidence.
Or perhaps you thought I'd go easy on you. That all this could be solved with the gift of a recently deceased bird on my doorstep. But you are wrong. Dead wrong.
When you have everything, sometimes it feels like nothing. Sometimes order is taken for granted. Well, I have to tell you, Bosco: If you continue with this behavior, you will be banished. You will be an outdoor cat.
You can purr all you like, but I know that the purr is a lie. I trusted you to use the litter box. The rule was clear and indisputable, and yet you broke it. Again and again. Right on the kitchen floor.
You made a choice. And you know what they say, Bosco: "You lie down with the devil, you wake up in hell." So next time you decide to relieve yourself, think about the consequences. Act carefully. Because the thin ice you are treading on is cracking beneath your paws. And when you fall into the freezing water, I'm not going to be the one to bend down and save you.
Now get off my lap.
- - - -
OTHER McSWEENEY'S FEATURES:
- - - -
David Caruso Scolds His Cat About Its Lackadaisical Litter-Box Use By Brian Graham
Further Evidence That SportsCenter Has Lost All Connection to Reality By Ben Steele
Feedback From James Joyce's Submission of Ulysses to His Creative-Writing Workshop By Teddy Wayne
Thanks for the Intervention By Jay Dyckman
Cookie Monster Searches Deep Within Himself and Asks: Is Me Really Monster? By Andy F. Bryan
Red dot denotes content that is new today.
Black dot denotes newish content.