WHY THERE AREN'T
MANY RIGHT-WING
OBSERVATIONAL
COMEDIANS.
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You ever see a roomful of old white guys trying to dance? They're bumping along out of rhythm to some corny '50s song in their tuxedos, like three feet away from their wives, and you're just like, "Yes—that's exactly what respectable nightlife socializing should be."
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I'm in the supermarket checkout the other day, and this woman is taking forever to pay—with her checkbook, of course. So I lean over and say, "Hey, lady, you know what we're all thinking when you pay by check? That you're not reaping any potential benefits from a cash-back or frequent-flyer credit card." I mean, how stupid can you be not to know that most major cards give triple miles for supermarket or drugstore purchases? Am I right, people?
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My wife complains like it's her job. About out-of-control government spending and affirmative action. And I totally agree with her. She's a spokeswoman for Rick Santorum.
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The other day, on a flight, I open up my package of peanuts, and there are five peanuts inside. I ask the flight attendant if there's a mistake, and she says it's a cost-cutting procedure to help save the airline from bankruptcy. I go, "Oh, yeah? You want an idea for another 'cost-cutting procedure'? How 'bout taking a stand against the pilots' union and raising the retirement age to 65 from the current 60 so the 401(k)s aren't depleted and the average middle-to-upper-class passenger doesn't foot the bill?" Boo-ya!
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I once had this real tight-ass boss who constantly yelled at all his employees for slacking off. For our Christmas bonuses, he gave us tube socks. Tube socks. And, by saving money, he was able to hire new, better employees the next year, fire us, and improve profit margins. That man knew how to run a fiscally responsible company.
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The other night my wife and I are watching Hannity & Colmes, and she goes, "I'm cold—let's turn up the heat." So I say, "Just put on a sweater." And she gives me this look that's like, No missionary sex in the marital interest of procreation for you! And I'm thinking, "Man, if only the pansy liberals let the military flex a little more muscle in the Middle East and force an effective European coalition, we might be able to dissolve the OPEC terrorists, gain some leverage over oil prices, and avert domestic crises like this." The fellas know what I mean!
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You guys seen Brokeback Mountain? I actually thought it could've been a good movie. If one of the guys were a woman. And they were married. And practicing Christians. And they didn't outsource the directing to Taiwan.
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Where are you folks from? Paris? Really? Voulez-vous coucher avec moi ce soir? Ha ha, just kidding, madame. But get out of my face. Seriously. You make me sick.
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Teddy Wayne's
Other Features.
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OTHER McSWEENEY'S FEATURES:
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Why There Aren't Many Right-Wing Observational Comedians By Teddy Wayne
This Is Your Brain on Drugs By Greg Ruehlmann
The Garter Snake in 11-Year-Old Kevin Wackerbarth's Terrarium By Ned Rust
Classroom Smoking Policies, Art History 542, Oberlin, 1970 By Tony Antoniadis
Chuck Norris Candidly Speaks Out on Torture as He Wins a Lifetime-Achievement Award for Choreography at the First Annual Waco, Texas, Film Festival By David Aldridge
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