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Dave Eggers' The Wild Things is available for preorder, in regular hardcover and
limited-edition fur-covered.

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RYAN SEACREST BREAKS BAD NEWS. BY SARAH SCHMELLING - - - - 1692 "Rebecca. Last night you said, 'I have never so practiced in witchcraft to afflict these poor souls with the dreaded curse of Satan.' Well, the Honorary Town Council of Salem has voted and you, Rebecca, are NOT ... (Pause.) "... free of these charges. You're an accused witch and practitioner of the devil's craft and will be punished by public hanging in the town square lo this Saturday, the fourth of September. Now sing us out." 1814 "Napoleon. You sang 'Waterloo.' Ha, I'm kidding. You invaded Austria, Great Britain, Russia, and Prussia. Simon said, 'What were you thinking, going into Leipzig with that number of troops?' Paula said, 'Don't listen to him. You have this sweet light around you and it comes from somewhere deep and warm and you look like a star and you are a star.' (Turning to Louis XVIII.) "Lou. You said ... something in French. You want to restore the monarchy. Well, one of you guys will be getting a military escort tonight to an island that may or may not have a great view of Corsica, and who that person is ... (Pause.) "... I will tell you ... (Waving hands like a conductor as the crowd recites along.) "... right after this break." 1962 "Pete. You played 'Love Me Do,' 'Ask Me Why,' and 'Besame Mucho.' George, Paul, and John said, 'You're unimpressive and clearly lack any kind of personality.' The bad news is the band hasn't been signed yet. The good news is ... (Pause.) "... you won't have to worry about that, because they're replacing you with some guy named Ringo. And look, we made you a montage." (Flip to video of Pete playing the drums in slow motion, unsmiling, to the Daniel Powter hit "Bad Day.") 2006 "Barry. Last week you hit your 714th home run, tying Babe Ruth's record. Thing is, Major League Baseball isn't really going to recognize it, and pretty much everyone in the world except some confused people in San Francisco CAN'T STAND you. I mean, when that pitcher in Houston kept hitting you with the ball and got ejected from the game for it, he got a standing ovation! And the kid who caught that 714th ball, when asked if he would give it to you, he said, and I quote, 'HELL no, I hate that guy.' Could you be more unpopular? You ... "... ow ... "... but ... "... HEY ... "... Can you not ...? "... OK, fine. You tied the record. Good for you." - - - - OTHER McSWEENEY'S FEATURES: - - - - Ryan Seacrest Breaks Bad News By Sarah Schmelling Utopian Endings for Reality Shows By Kate Hahn Why There Aren't Many Right-Wing Observational Comedians By Teddy Wayne This Is Your Brain on Drugs By Greg Ruehlmann The Garter Snake in 11-Year-Old Kevin Wackerbarth's Terrarium By Ned Rust

- - - - MAIN PAGE | ARCHIVES Memories of Amanda Davis Red dot denotes content that is new today. Black dot denotes newish content. McSWEENEY'S STORE SUBSCRIBE TO: McSWEENEY'S THE BELIEVER WHOLPHIN FUTURE McSWEENEY'S BOOKS THE AMANDA DAVIS HIGHWIRE FICTION AWARD INVITE A McSWEENEY'S AUTHOR TO SPEAK IN YOUR TOWN OR COLLEGE THE BEST AMERICAN NONREQUIRED READING McSWEENEY'S MONTHLY MAILING LIST BOOKSTORES WITH A McSWEENEY'S DISPLAY McSWEENEY'S-RELATED EVENTS AND VARIOUS TOUR DATES ORDER INQUIRIES AND ADDRESS CHANGES SUBMISSION GUIDELINES: FOR BOOKS FOR THE QUARTERLY FOR THE WEBSITE FOR WHOLPHIN McSWEENEY'S INTERNSHIPS CONTACT US - - - - LETTERS TO McSWEENEY'S LISTS McSWEENEY'S PREDICTS McSWEENEY'S RECOMMENDS NEW WHOLPHIN FILM DAN LIEBERT, VERBAL CARTOONIST TEDDY WAYNE'S UNPOPULAR PROVERBS REVIEWS OF NEW FOOD DISPATCHES FROM MANILA DISPATCHES FROM MOSCOW AND HERE'S THE KICKER: MIKE SACKS'S CONVERSATIONS WITH HUMOR WRITERS SARAH WALKER SHOWS YOU HOW DISPATCHES FROM AN ENVIRONMENTAL LAWYER WHO IS TRYING TO GROW A MUSTACHE DISPATCHES FROM A HANGDOG BANKRUPT DISPATCHES FROM THE ANACOSTIA DISPATCHES FROM THE CAPITAL DISPATCHES FROM INDIA THE WINNER'S CIRCLE WITH ERIC FEEZELL BEN GREENMAN'S FAKE CELEBRITY MUSICALS SEAN MICHAELS LISTENS TO MUSIC IN MONTREAL SHORT IMAGINED MONOLOGUES KIDS' LETTERS TO PRESIDENT OBAMA STAINED TEETH: A COLUMN ABOUT WINE DISPATCHES FROM THE WINGS AT THE BALLET YOUR MONEY, YOUR JOB ... YOUR LIFE, WITH ALISON ROSEN KEVIN DOLGIN TELLS YOU ABOUT PLACES YOU SHOULD GO IN EUROPE LAWRENCE WESCHLER'S EVERYTHING THAT RISES: A BOOK OF CONVERGENCES THE CONVERGENCES CONTEST ABOUT THE CONVALESCENT ABOUT GOD SAYS NO ABOUT UNDERGROUND AMERICA ABOUT THANKS AND HAVE FUN RUNNING THE COUNTRY LETTERS FROM AN EARTH BALL TO, OR CONCERNING, SEAN HANNITY DISPATCHES FROM ADJUNCT FACULTY AT A LARGE STATE UNIVERSITY E-MAILS SENT TO THE UNIVERSITY OF ALABAMA ENGLISH DEPARTMENT FLAG-FOOTBALL TEAM ADVICE FROM A PERSON WITH A BACHELOR'S DEGREE IN PSYCHOLOGY JOHN MOE'S POP-SONG CORRESPONDENCES INTERVIEWS WITH PEOPLE WHO HAVE INTERESTING OR UNUSUAL JOBS FLIP: A COLUMN ABOUT SKATEBOARDING OPEN LETTERS TO PEOPLE OR ENTITIES WHO ARE UNLIKELY TO RESPOND DISPATCHES FROM A PUBLIC LIBRARIAN MICHAEL IAN BLACK IS A VERY FAMOUS CELEBRITY DAN KENNEDY SOLVES YOUR PROBLEMS WITH PAPER STEPHEN ELLIOTT'S POKER REPORT - - - - ADDITIONAL MATERIAL