RYAN SEACREST BREAKS BAD NEWS. BY SARAH SCHMELLING - - - - 1692 "Rebecca. Last night you said, 'I have never so practiced in witchcraft to afflict these poor souls with the dreaded curse of Satan.' Well, the Honorary Town Council of Salem has voted and you, Rebecca, are NOT ... (Pause.) "... free of these charges. You're an accused witch and practitioner of the devil's craft and will be punished by public hanging in the town square lo this Saturday, the fourth of September. Now sing us out." 1814 "Napoleon. You sang 'Waterloo.' Ha, I'm kidding. You invaded Austria, Great Britain, Russia, and Prussia. Simon said, 'What were you thinking, going into Leipzig with that number of troops?' Paula said, 'Don't listen to him. You have this sweet light around you and it comes from somewhere deep and warm and you look like a star and you are a star.' (Turning to Louis XVIII.) "Lou. You said ... something in French. You want to restore the monarchy. Well, one of you guys will be getting a military escort tonight to an island that may or may not have a great view of Corsica, and who that person is ... (Pause.) "... I will tell you ... (Waving hands like a conductor as the crowd recites along.) "... right after this break." 1962 "Pete. You played 'Love Me Do,' 'Ask Me Why,' and 'Besame Mucho.' George, Paul, and John said, 'You're unimpressive and clearly lack any kind of personality.' The bad news is the band hasn't been signed yet. The good news is ... (Pause.) "... you won't have to worry about that, because they're replacing you with some guy named Ringo. And look, we made you a montage." (Flip to video of Pete playing the drums in slow motion, unsmiling, to the Daniel Powter hit "Bad Day.") 2006 "Barry. Last week you hit your 714th home run, tying Babe Ruth's record. Thing is, Major League Baseball isn't really going to recognize it, and pretty much everyone in the world except some confused people in San Francisco CAN'T STAND you. I mean, when that pitcher in Houston kept hitting you with the ball and got ejected from the game for it, he got a standing ovation! And the kid who caught that 714th ball, when asked if he would give it to you, he said, and I quote, 'HELL no, I hate that guy.' Could you be more unpopular? You ... "... ow ... "... but ... "... HEY ... "... Can you not ...? "... OK, fine. You tied the record. Good for you." - - - - OTHER McSWEENEY'S FEATURES: - - - - Ryan Seacrest Breaks Bad News By Sarah Schmelling Utopian Endings for Reality Shows By Kate Hahn Why There Aren't Many Right-Wing Observational Comedians By Teddy Wayne This Is Your Brain on Drugs By Greg Ruehlmann The Garter Snake in 11-Year-Old Kevin Wackerbarth's Terrarium By Ned Rust

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