THANKS FOR
THE INTERVENTION.
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Dear Janice,
Just a quick thank-you note for hosting my intervention last week. The house was, as usual, exquisite. While it is never easy to hear that one's drinking is like a rapacious demon eating away at the souls of all who encounter it, it is nice when it happens in a tasteful setting. And kudos, by the way, on the new sectional and ottoman. Just stunning. It occurs to me I might have forgotten to mention it during that string of expletives and insults aimed at your physical appearance. But, really, mocha suede was the way to go and it looks fabulous.
Also, so thoughtful of you to serve your signature deviled eggs. They were delicious. And, regrettably, aerodynamic. Fingers crossed that the club soda worked its magic!
Best,
Mike
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Dear Wendy,
Thanks for taking part last week. I would like to apologize again for looking bored during your story about your lost dog, but, in fairness to me, you did take quite a while to explain that I was the one who lost him.
Anyway, I called the shelter and there are, like, four other dachshunds in stock right now. Two of which are also brown. So, more or less, problem solved.
—Mike
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Dear JoAnne,
I understand how busy you are, so I was quite touched that you found the time to participate last week.
And, not to sound ungrateful, but it seems pretty clear that you didn't pay much attention during the planning sessions. It was an intervention. Not a bust. The pat-down degraded us both.
Also, it seemed obvious to everyone else that I was simply getting up to go to the bathroom and not, as I believe you put it, "making a run for it." And, in case you're wondering, my knee does still hurt from your blind-side tackle.
Finally, I think it was pretty clear that the focus of the meeting was alcohol dependency. So, raising the whole gambling thing seemed a bit like piling on. Although, yes, I will agree that it was wrong of me to lay odds on your third marriage.
A true friend, however, would have covered the spread.
Cheers,
Mike
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Dear Kelly,
Thank you for crying hysterically during the intervention and repeatedly shifting the attention to yourself. I'm not sure if that was intentional, but if it was, you are a true friend. A person can use a few breathers during such an intense meeting, and your sobbing jags and incomprehensible wailing really helped by raising serious questions
about your own stability and obvious addiction to OxyContin—or whatever it was that spilled out of your purse during one of your many Kleenex expeditions.
So again, thanks.
Best,
Mike
P.S. Everyone in group here at the center is really looking forward to meeting you.
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Dear Jack,
A quick update to let you know that things are progressing well here. And also to say thanks for your contribution last week. I know it must have been difficult for you to deceive me about where we were headed that night. But, and I don't mean to beat a dead horse here, saying we were going to a movie would have been more than sufficient.
Telling me you and I were on the VIP list at that new club downtown was just poorly thought out. I mean, having several of your closest friends explain to you how you are ruining the lives around you is hard enough. Hearing it while wearing leather pants is unconscionable.
And I hate to bring it up, but telling everyone about our trip last spring was really uncool. "What happens in Cancún stays in Cancún" means something to me. I thought you felt the same.
Yours,
Mike
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OTHER McSWEENEY'S FEATURES:
- - - -
Thanks for the Intervention By Jay Dyckman
Cookie Monster Searches Deep Within Himself and Asks: Is Me Really Monster? By Andy F. Bryan
Thirteen Writing Prompts By Dan Wiencek
The Bruckheimer Quatrains By Robert Hornak
Truly Groundbreaking Ideas in Direct Mail By Dan Kennedy
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