OUT OF OFFICE AUTOREPLY. BY JIM STALLARD - - - - I will be out of the office on travel from June 13 through June 21 and from June 23 through June 29, 2006. I will have e-mail access through my laptop on June 17 from 5:36 a.m. to 5:39 a.m. (GMT), but will be using the bandwidth to download an A-ha ringtone. My work cell phone (212-555-3285) is in a rented Camry at the bottom of the Delaware River. If you wish to fax me, I suggest allowing yourself ample time to emerge from the cryogenic state. If this is an urgent matter, my assistant Kelli Browne can be found in the third stall of the 17th-floor women's room trying desperately to locate a fresh vein. I will be back in the office June 22 from 3:00 a.m. to 4:30 a.m., trying to erase certain financial transactions from my hard drive. From June 22 through June 23, I will be checking my BlackBerry periodically to see whether company accountants have begun to pick up the trail. On June 24, I will be receiving messages through a dead drop in Washington, D.C. Put masking tape on the front leg of the mailbox on the southwest corner of 37th and Upton Streets, N.W., to alert me, and then write the message on the back of Lincoln's head in the memorial. From June 25 through June 28, I will be traveling to the homes of various friends, trying unsuccessfully to borrow money, except for June 27, when I will be attending a Bobby Vinton show in Branson, Missouri. During the afternoon of June 29 through the morning of June 30, I will be crawling through a drainage pipe connecting Chula Vista with Tijuana and will not have good reception. Beginning July 2, you should be able to reach me through the main switchboard at the minimum-security prison in Texarkana, Texas. My pager (212-555-2946) may be with me, depending on the thoroughness of the cavity search. It will probably take me a while to call back. If my attorney comes through, I expect to be back in the office at 9 a.m. on July 5. Have a safe holiday! - - - - Jim Stallard's Other Features. - - - - OTHER McSWEENEY'S FEATURES: - - - - Out of Office AutoReply By Jim Stallard Still Kicking: The Very Authorized Biography of Steven Seagal, Volume II, Pgs. 567–568 By Jared Bloom Softening the Saddle While Hardening the Earth By Dr. Lawyer IndianChief Commencement Speech, Whitney Houston, East Southern University, June 9, 2006 By Jen Michalski Less Popular Game Show Catchphrases By Mike Sacks and Ted Travelstead

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