THE 700 CLUB
DOES WEATHER.
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Good morning, folks. This is Ricky Rogers, your morning weatherman. Let's take a look at the map.
Now, we can see patches of precipitation around the Midwest. That should pass by the midafternoon. Taking a look over the Northwestern states, however, there will be some serious thunderstorms lasting all into tonight, and we can pretty much guess that those are tears the angels are shedding because it is still legal for a woman to end the life of her unborn child.
Hurricane season is now in effect, and we all remember what happened last year. This year may be even worse due to an increase in the frequency of evil deeds. Blame San Francisco. So, if you live near the Gulf Coast, invest in floatation devices and Bibles.
It is hot, hot, hot today in New York City, which should give all the Jews there a bit of a sneak preview.
Las Vegas, Nevada, has been suffering a bit of a drought lately, but we've got some good news for you folks: 39 to 41 consecutive days and nights of rain coming soon. You can "bet" on it!
Weather across Georgia will be perfect. Absolutely perfect. You know why.
In your city today, it's looking like about an 80 percent chance of hail and harsh winds, but you could probably get that down to 50 percent if you tossed out all of your dirty magazines and concentrated on keeping homosexuals from getting married.
That's it for me. I'll be back on with weather updates throughout the morning, unless the Day of Judgment comes, in which case I will be called upon to live in eternal peace in our Father's heavenly kingdom.
Keep it real.
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OTHER McSWEENEY'S FEATURES:
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