DATELINE:
TO CATCH A PREDATOR:
HUMBERT HUMBERT.
BY JEFF BARNOSKY
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CHRIS HANSEN (V.O.)
Our hidden cameras catch our predator as he pulls up in his vintage convertible. Tall, European, and movie-star handsome, this man engaged in a disgusting and vulgar—yet beautifully written and erudite—online conversation with our decoy. After walking with an elegant gait to the front door of our To Catch a Predator house, he sticks his head in the door.
HUMBERT HUMBERT
Lo? Lo. Lee. Ta. Light of my life, fire of my loins?
CHRIS HANSEN (V.O.)
The underage girl, who is actually a decoy, calls out to the predator so he will feel secure enough to enter. They have spoken on the phone and chatted on the Internet, where he insisted that she call him Dad.
DECOY
Hey, Dad. What's up? Did you bring condoms?
HUMBERT HUMBERT
Of course, my petulant paramour. I also brought the 45s. What kind of name is Chubby Checker? Is he corpulent?
DECOY
Dunno! I have to change my socks. Why don't you make yourself comfortable?
HUMBERT HUMBERT
The vacuum of my soul awaits your every touch; I am a pulse of pure yearning.
DECOY
Silly! Make yourself comfortable.
CHRIS HANSEN (V.O.)
Our Internet prose artist settles in at our To Catch a Predator counter and undoes his tie, making himself comfortable. He takes a cookie from our carefully placed tray. This is when I step in.
CHRIS HANSEN
Enjoying that?
HUMBERT HUMBERT
Quilty?
CHRIS HANSEN
No, Chris Hansen. Would you like to tell me what you're doing here?
HUMBERT HUMBERT
I will try to convey in pitiful blank verse what I want to declaim in sonnets and sestinas. I am permanently festooned by nymphet love.
CHRIS HANSEN
So you're here to have sex with a 13-year-old girl?
HUMBERT HUMBERT
I have no illusions. My judges will regard this all as a piece of mummery on the part of a madman with gross liking for the fruit vert.
CHRIS HANSEN
Let me ask you this. Did you know that you were asking, on the Internet, a 13-year-old girl to "let the beastly and beautiful merge"?
HUMBERT HUMBERT
Do you mean sex play?
CHRIS HANSEN
Did you bring beer?
HUMBERT HUMBERT
Yes.
CHRIS HANSEN
Anything else?
HUMBERT HUMBERT
Transistor radio, poodle skirt, Hula-Hoop, Pez, saddle shoes, 45-rpm records, a diaphragm ...
CHRIS HANSEN
Is there any reason for you to behave as you do? To be so depraved?
HUMBERT HUMBERT
Picnic, lightning. Also, heart disease.
CHRIS HANSEN (V.O.)
At this point, our To Catch a Predator cameras come into the room, but Humbert Humbert does not attempt to leave.
HUMBERT HUMBERT
Quilty? Do you recall a little girl called Dolores Haze? Dolly Haze?
CHRIS HANSEN
You're free to go.
HUMBERT HUMBERT
She was my child, Quilty!
CHRIS HANSEN
The person you were speaking to online, DZZLEHZZLE, was actually a 35-year-old man named Stanley.
HUMBERT HUMBERT
Lolita. Lolita. Lolita. Lolita. Lolita. The spoonerette spoke in half-yawns and splutters of mirth.
CHRIS HANSEN
Another decoy. That's our Perverted Justice decoy, Joan. She's 26.
HUMBERT HUMBERT
Quilty, I want you to concentrate. You are going to die in a moment. Concentrate. Try to understand what is happening to you.
CHRIS HANSEN (V.O.)
His threats were empty. Humbert Humbert simply ran out the door and into the waiting arms of the Fort Worth Police Department. He was arrested on charges of child solicitation, possession of an unregistered handgun, and unfettered lust.
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OTHER McSWEENEY'S FEATURES:
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