ALTERNATIVE INSPOT E-CARDS TO ANONYMOUSLY INFORM YOUR PARTNERS THAT THEY MIGHT HAVE BEEN EXPOSED TO AN STD. BY JAY DYCKMAN - - - - Well, obviously no one wants genital herpes, but look at all those people in the Valtrex ads. They're really hot and seem to be having a blast. Just something to think about. - - - - OK, yes, crabs suck, but think of the silver lining. A good reason to get all new sheets! (And, seriously, who owns flannel Star Wars sheets past the age of 11? Frankly, this might just be the "It's time to grow up" wake-up call you've needed for a while. So, you're welcome.) - - - - FYI—You might have been exposed to scabies. I'm not saying it's karma, but maybe next time you'll reach for the check. - - - - Knock, knock. Who's there? Chlamydia. Sorry. - - - - It is with great regret that I must inform you that you might have been exposed to syphilis. It is with even greater regret, as it appears that this e-mail should have been sent a few months ago. But you know how it is. Work's been crazy busy. There was that conference in Phoenix. And the Anderson account. And then with the holidays on top of it all? Forget about it. Anyway, here you go. P.S. If this message seems blurry to you at all, you should probably get moving on this. - - - - OMG!!! Herpes. =( - - - - Just a tip. You might have been exposed to crabs recently. Most probably from using a public restroom and not from that cute guy in marketing you went out with last week who is very hygienic. And who's really into you. No, definitely not from him. - - - - To Whom It May Concern: Gonorrhea is defined as a sexually transmitted disease caused by a type of bacteria called Neisseria gonorrhoeae. Gonorrhea can be transmitted to both male and female partners during vaginal, anal, and oral sex from a partner infected in his or her throat, vagina, urethra, or anus. Gonorrheal infections are fully curable with antibiotics. See? That's not so scary. - - - - OTHER McSWEENEY'S FEATURES: - - - - Alternative InSPOT E-Cards to Anonymously Inform Your Partners That They Might Have Been Exposed to an STD By Jay Dyckman Secret Shoppers Report on the U.S. Senate By Kate Hahn Gilgamesh, King of Uruk in Babylonia (2700 B.C.), Responds to Advertising's Biggest Questions By Russell Bradbury-Carlin In Response to Accusations That My Memoir, I, Ellie Kemper, Borrows Numerous Passages From Rigoberta Menchu's Memoir, I, Rigoberta Menchu By Ellie Kemper The 700 Club Does Weather By Alex Kane

- - - - MAIN PAGE   |   ARCHIVES   Memories of Amanda Davis   Red dot denotes content that is new today. Black dot denotes newish content. McSWEENEY'S STORE SUBSCRIBE TO: McSWEENEY'S THE BELIEVER WHOLPHIN FUTURE McSWEENEY'S BOOKS THE AMANDA DAVIS HIGHWIRE FICTION AWARD INVITE A McSWEENEY'S AUTHOR TO SPEAK IN YOUR TOWN OR COLLEGE McSWEENEY'S MONTHLY MAILING LIST McSWEENEY'S-RELATED EVENTS AND VARIOUS TOUR DATES ORDER INQUIRIES AND ADDRESS CHANGES SUBMISSION GUIDELINES: FOR BOOKS FOR THE QUARTERLY FOR THE WEBSITE FOR WHOLPHIN McSWEENEY'S INTERNSHIPS CONTACT US - - - - LETTERS TO McSWEENEY'S LISTS McSWEENEY'S PREDICTS McSWEENEY'S RECOMMENDS NEW WHOLPHIN FILM DAN LIEBERT, VERBAL CARTOONIST JOKES BY BRIAN BEATTY REVIEWS OF NEW FOOD DISPATCHES FROM MOSCOW SO YOU WANT TO BE PRESIDENT? DISPATCHES FROM THE ANACOSTIA THE WINNER'S CIRCLE WITH ERIC FEEZELL BEN GREENMAN'S FAKE CELEBRITY MUSICALS DISPATCHES FROM A HUMANITARIAN JOURNALIST DISPATCHES FROM IRAQ SHORT IMAGINED MONOLOGUES PHILIP GRAHAM SPENDS A YEAR IN LISBON STAINED TEETH: A COLUMN ABOUT WINE DISPATCHES FROM THE NAPOLEONIC WARS AT THE MET KEVIN DOLGIN TELLS YOU ABOUT PLACES YOU SHOULD GO IN EUROPE SONGS OF ENEMIES AND DESERTS: LIVING WITH THE SUDAN LIBERATION ARMY LAWRENCE WESCHLER'S EVERYTHING THAT RISES: A BOOK OF CONVERGENCES THE CONVERGENCES CONTEST ABOUT WHAT IS THE WHAT ABOUT BOWL OF CHERRIES ABOUT COMEDY BY THE NUMBERS ABOUT JOHN BRANDON'S ARKANSAS ABOUT MICHAEL CHABON'S MAPS AND LEGENDS LETTERS FROM AN EARTH BALL TO, OR CONCERNING, SEAN HANNITY DISPATCHES FROM ADJUNCT FACULTY AT A LARGE STATE UNIVERSITY ADVICE FROM A PERSON WITH A BACHELOR'S DEGREE IN PSYCHOLOGY DISPATCHES FROM THE NBA ENTERTAINMENT LEAGUE JOHN MOE'S POP-SONG CORRESPONDENCES B.R. COHEN'S ANNALS OF SCIENCE INTERVIEWS WITH PEOPLE WHO HAVE INTERESTING OR UNUSUAL JOBS OPEN LETTERS TO PEOPLE OR ENTITIES WHO ARE UNLIKELY TO RESPOND DISPATCHES FROM A PUBLIC LIBRARIAN MICHAEL IAN BLACK IS A VERY FAMOUS CELEBRITY DISPATCHES FROM ROY KESEY, AN AMERICAN GUY MARRIED TO A PERUVIAN DIPLOMAT LIVING IN CHINA STEPHEN ELLIOTT'S POKER REPORT - - - - ADDITIONAL MATERIAL